Dear Mum & Dad, I am writing to tell you that unfortunately, I will not be able to see you the two of you for Parents’ Weekend. I have been locked by my dormmates in the Andover Cottage dungeon, and have been told that I will not be released until they see fit. God, the people here are insane—everyone was so much more normal back home in Canada. It all started the other day when I got my midterm marks back and they were all, of course, perfect. After I reluctantly told the rest of the dorm my grades after they had asked me several times, they accordingly tied me up and threw me in the basement dungeon. They’ve been using me for homework help for the past week and show no signs of letting up. They’ve told me that if they get any problems wrong from now on because of me, they’ll withhold on giving me their Commons leftovers after meals…I’m not sure if that’s necessarily a bad thing. I’ve got some old carcass meat here with me if things start getting really tough. I hope that this weight loss doesn’t affect my performance in Instructional Squash… I’ve started carving a hole in the wall, Shawshank-style, with the old carcass’ bones, but I seem to be getting nowhere. I have to escape somehow, though. I’ve been thinking up a plan to knock out PG Patrick Keegan when he comes down to deliver my daily meal, and surreptitiously escape thereafter. The problem is that my doormmates have wired the building with cameras, making it impossibly hard to escape in such a fashion. I really don’t know what I’m going to do. Since I obviously won’t be able to meet you guys when you arrive this weekend, don’t hold back on entertaining yourselves in my absence. I certainly would enjoy your company down here in my new crib, but I’m honestly not sure you could handle it. Well parents, I’m sorry that I won’t be able to join you in this weekend of great family fun, but hopefully the guys will have released me by Parents’ Weekend next year and we can see each other then! Love always, Thor Shannon
