The upcoming Commons Renovations mark the temporary absence of the celebrated Ryley Room. To revive student and faculty spirits, the Academy has purchased a food truck that will act as a “mobile Ryley room.” However, some students who were invited to test out the van before its opening have come away from the experience with anything but a rejuvenated morale. “I tried getting in to the van with my girlfriend so we could do a little dancing. Thing was, it was so cramped I had trouble telling when I was grinding with my girlfriend and when I was just humping the driver,” commented an Upper. Out of the 20 test cases (students were compiled from each class, along with three faculty members), somehow 21 responses were negative. Faculty members commented on the congestion. “What if there were to be a fire in there?” inquired Dean of Students Early Medwards, “The only emergency exit would be through the service window, which, by the way, is tinted on the outside. That is just inappropriate.” Though users of the van have not enjoyed their visits thus far, the workers taking shifts as drivers of the van shared a different opinion. “Oh, I love it,” said Tony, a food truck driver. “It reminds me of years ago when I drove an ice cream truck. It was so fun. Yes, the kids and their smiles. I sometimes played tricks on them, slowing down with the music playing and then I’d speed off again. Yes, sir. I also stole from the cash register.” Though responses have ranged from awful to terrible, the administration is hopeful. “Oh yes, we’re quite ready for this change into the ‘mobile party age,’” Director of Vehicular Food Distribution Wendy Jones told sources on Wednesday. “It’s the In thing these days. We’ve got plans for three more ‘Roving Ryleys’ as the kids are calling them, as well as two ‘flying fun time places,’ which are helicopters filled with food bags that pilots will drop down to campus. It’s gonna be ‘ballin,’ as they say.” Few are ready for the transition. “We don’t even know how to call cabs, how are we going to slow down a food truck?” asked a confused underclassmen. Many students will face this problem along with other difficulties, such as the fact that the Ryley vans will only accept Sacagawea Dollars and Mexican pesos. Only the Mexican Student Coalition is pleased about this. The overarching problem of grinding space has led to many other objections, but Medwards believes that the student body also needs to see the bright side of a dimly lit, transportable fast food future. “Sure, only about two or three people can fit inside the truck. Sure, the driver yells at kids whenever they try to get in the truck in the first place. But these things are just little molehills that we need to find ways to step over instead of turning them into mountains of no-fun zones.” The Academy will close the Ryley Room on November 12th.
