This summer I will go on one of the most excellent adventures of my life thus far: college visiting. This is what I’ve been waiting for my entire Andover career, and I will do whatever it takes in order to get in to my top college, even if it means forging a harmful “letter of recommendation” about one of my peers. Here’s the list of colleges that I will visit this summer. I left out all the schools my college counselor told me about because I am better than she thinks I am. My top schools are UC Boulder, Miami U Oxford, SUNY Stony Brook and U Tehran. Oh, I almost forgot those obscure schools named Harvard, Yale, Princeton and maybe U. Penn. At UC Boulder, my main goal is to get a taste (or a puff or a sip) of the legendary party life. I was a little surprised during my research when I discovered that Boulder didn’t even make it into the top-20 lists for Party Schools, “Reefer Madness,” “Lots of Hard Liquor,” “Lots of Beer” or “Major Frat and Sorority Scene.” Here are two questions I came up with for the interview: “Does the school provide the “Maui Wowie” or will I have to find my own?” and “Is partying allowed in class?” Miami U in Oxford, Ohio is a godsend. It brings all the greasiness and un-classiness of Miami to a plain, mid-western state. The name sounds so legitimate as well. What more could I ask for in a college? I plan to ask the Admissions office the following: “In what ways are Miami and Oxford alike?” “Can I take classes at other Miami U campuses?” “Which is better: University of Phoenix or Miami University?” MUO is sort of my back-up school, and I’ll be sure to let them know this. SUNY Stony Brook is an awesome institution. The campus is very natural and beautiful. I hear the scenery incorporates stones and brooks, but best of all is the consistent sunny weather. Stony Brook is also home to Mrs. Chase’s e-mail-sharing twin (though I hear they have a bad relationship; Mrs. Chase calls her a “forgery”). I plan to ask the school “What does SUNY stand for?” and “Where is the closest brook with stones?” I am really intrigued by the possibility of studying abroad, so I thought I’d throw in an application to someplace radically different than the U.S. After a lot of research, I decided on University of Tehran. If Iran is run by one of the most brilliant dictators in history, surely they can educate me, a simple-minded American. U Tehran is world-famous for two specific courses that every student is required to take: Jewish History and Low-Budget Atomic “Energy.” There is only one catch: the university isn’t exactly friendly to Americans, not to mention that I don’t speak Islam or practice Arabic. After taking History-100 and the new Arabic class next year, I should be alright. I’ll blend right in. In order to enter the country silently, I have hired a Pakistani airplane to fly me over the border. Another school I’ve considered is the Bartz Institute of Technology. My college counselor says I have a decent shot because I’m a legacy. At Bartz, I know I’ll have the freedom to explore my interests and passions. When your parents are the professors, who wouldn’t feel that way? The campus is beautiful. My house is located in a residential neighborhood within walking distance of neighbors, a playground and a tire swing. And if those social opportunities don’t draw me to Bartz, the faculty will. My mother, also the dean, is not only a great teacher, but handles alumni with grace. The only other alum of Bartz I.T., my brother, Kevin Bartz, is welcomed on campus whenever he arrives, and is pestered about not being married. Despite all my college counselor’s recommendations, I have decided that I will apply to Harvard, even though it may be in my “impossible” category. My counselor said that getting into Harvard for me would be just as likely as “winning the lottery,” but little did she know—I have won the lottery before (my uncle bought the ticket for me because I was under 18 and then took all the winnings). Harvard seems like a pretty good school. It has good athletics, pretty good academics and satisfactory social life and location. I am going to visit there this summer because I’m just unsure of whether it is the place for me. Maybe I’ll come back saying the same thing that a lot of PA students say, “I wouldn’t go to Harvard if I got in.” However, it won’t be quite the same because what everyone else neglects to mention is “I couldn’t get in to Harvard.” Of course, if Harvard doesn’t pan out, I can always fall back on Yale and Princeton. They are both great schools and equally as snooty. Looking at the scattergrams, my GPA may be a bit of a problem, but whatever, I have a great character and a lot of leadership positions. I should beat all those nerds who just study all day. I’ll write in the fall to report on how all my visits went, but I know they will go well. After all, who can resist the Bartz?
