It’s that time of the month. It’s the time of month when you see kids walk up to the ATM in GW, and then shake their head when they can’t take out any money. That’s right, no more sweet moolah in the account. Mommy and Daddy won’t support that Golden Chopstick habit any longer. Personally, I can’t relate to an empty ATM account, because, well, I don’t have one. I imagine the feeling is similar to the unsuccessful search for change in vending machines. I’m a bum. It’s in my blood. My great uncle was elected King of the Hobos back in the good old days of ’36. When it comes to getting money, I am willing to eat almost anything to receive anything between $5 and $100 (If you have anything gross for me to eat, call my cell at (978) 867-5309. We can negotiate). Despite my resourcefulness, I am often broke, or worse, in debt. But instead of seeing my lack of funds as a setback, I see them as an opportunity for me to gain some real world experience as a working man. I’ve had three jobs in my life, but I’ve never been employed for more than a week. My first job was working at my aunt’s farm stand. Nothing better than a little nepotism to get a nice cashier gig. Maybe I was only a temp because a girl got sick, but so what? After experiencing agribusiness, I looked for a new line of work. Last summer, I was lucky enough to score a job with OPP helping to clean dorms. It was awesome! We usually worked inside, so my sensitive skin was not at risk of being burned. And, we watched the World Cup. Unfortunately, OPP couldn’t keep us on for the whole summer. Today, I’m hungry for another taste of the big, juicy working world. The opportunities are endless. The first job that caught my eye was school paperboy. It sounds pretty easy. I have to wake up at 5:30 a.m. and carry gigantic stacks of paper around campus. The pay is $4.40 a week. That sounds like adequate spending money to me. I could eat off of the McDonald’s Dollar Menu almost four and a half times a week. The early morning hours fit in well with my already sleep-deprived schedule. Current school paperboy, I salute you. I hope that all of you who are reading this plan on investing in my future work related ventures. I’m beginning work on constructing secret corporate headquarters using the pre-exisiting underground facilities. I guess if this business venture doesn’t work out, I could just continue my mooching ways and rough it out through the difficult times. Just like my dear Great Uncle said, “It’s better to smell bad than to be clean, because then people will throw you a quarter just so you’ll leave them alone.”
