The housing lottery is a lot like picking the perfect mail-order bride: it’s confusing, it’s complicated, and it doesn’t always turn out how you’d hoped it would. And although you could end up with a beautiful Swedish woman named Valentina, the story usually ends in disappointment. Agnes, I’m sorry things didn’t work out. But my point is that you have to know how to play the game. And with housing, things sometimes just aren’t fair. Since drawing numbers out of a bag seems primitive, I would like to propose a number of alternatives to the housing lottery. Dorm Compatibility Testing: This process would work a lot like online dating. Each student will fill out a specialized personality test. According to how you answer, you will be matched with the dorm you are most compatible with. Did you express an interest in nature? Then you’ll probably end up on the Knoll. Or maybe you enjoy exercising by taking long walks? Then an Abbot dorm is the right place for you. Those of you who describe yourselves as old and sturdy brick structures that don’t provide adequate heat in the winter will probably be compatible with most dorms on campus. The Sorting Hat: Who wants to deal with roommate issues and lottery numbers when a magical talking hat could provide a decision for you? Students would gather at the chapel and get called up to the podium one by one. After the hat is placed on each student’s head, it would yell out a dorm name. “Foxcroft!” or “Paul Revere!” The downside to this method? Every school has its own “Hufflepuff.” Our Hufflepuff dorms would probably be Flagg House and Stuart, but I suppose it wouldn’t be the end of the world if you ended up living there. Then again, no one actually wants to be in Hufflepuff—they’re just forced to. SAT scores: As if the college selection process wasn’t enough, the pressure of housing now rests on your ability to fill in the correct circles and successfully analyze the right passages. Scores of 2400 would guarantee the dorm of your choice, while sub-par performance will land you a tent on the Great Lawn. Rage in the Cage: The first priority of housing would go to the winners of a school-wide rule-free fistfight. A true “survival of the fittest” competition, the Rage in the Cage would clear up the confusion of the current housing process. “Squatting rights” and “pulling” will be things of the past. You either win or you don’t. This system would also serve as a measure of student character and bravery. Would you go head-to-head with a Norwegian PG for that three-room double in Bartlet? Or would you just settle for beating up that nerd in Chemistry class and securing a spot in Fuess? It’s time to make a decision. Whose Daddy is Richer?: Rumored to already be in effect at Andover, the “Richest Daddy” housing system allocates nicer rooms to the kids that come from wealthy backgrounds. While bribery is strongly discouraged, a substantial donation to the school would allow students to choose from a different bag of lottery tickets. You didn’t know there were two bags? Well, neither did I. All I know is that when housing lottery rolls around, I’ll be sure to tape a nickel onto the back of my housing form.
