The Eighth Page

Campus Police Report – Grober and Dai

Friday, April 13th At 5:24 p.m., three black cats were found trespassing on school grounds. Cats were detained and dealt with according to state legislature. Humane society was called in to remove the carcasses. Officers reported to have a combined total of 63 years of super bad luck. Friday, April 13th At 5:29 p.m., PAPS building’s bathroom mirror crashes to the floor in slingshot accident. Make that 70 years of super bad luck. Wednesday, April 18th At 3:51 p.m., a student intentionally fills out The Phillipian’s “State of the Academy” survey with false information. Contrary to what suspect had stated in survey, witnesses confirm rumors that suspect has “never even come close to having sex.” Thursday, April 19th At 8:43 p.m., a prank call was received at our offices. Caller said that PAPS officers weren’t “real” policemen. Caller proceeded to “catboner” us. Call was traced back to the Andover Police Station. Thursday, April 19th At 8:45 p.m., tears were shed as a result of phone harassment from the Andover Police Department. Only box of Kleenex ran out. A call was made to OPP and we “talked it out.” Saturday, April 21st At 8:31 p.m., approximately 153 students were absent from Saturday classes. About 130 of these students filed reports of oversleeping as a result of beds being “too comfortable.” Others were said to be “observing Shabbat.” Tuesday, April 24th At 4:34 a.m., breaking and entering incident reported at Ryley Room. Items reported missing include: two packages of frozen chicken wings, two bottles of Pepsi, two containers of monkey bread, and two pieces of Orbit chewing gum. Leading suspect profiles were described as either “two regular guys” or possibly “one fat guy.”