The Burning of the Witch: In 1692, FU alumni led a famous crusade against the witch population of Salem, Massachusetts. In order to commemorate what is commonly called “the greatest accomplishment of American history,” the FU community proudly hosts the “Burning of the Witch” ceremony every year. This ceremony honors those who rid our country of the devil-women and simultaneously creates an opportunity to for the members of our student body to bond over their unified hatred of witches. Not unlike how high school students elect a prom queen, FU students cast votes for the “Witch Queen,” who usually happens to be the most disliked person in the school. The newly-elected queen soon ascends to the coveted “throne the witch” and becomes the target of public humiliation. Common FU traditions described as egging the witch, kicking the witch and impregnating the witch have become the most popular over recent years. After the FU council of elders decides that the Witch Queen has endured enough pain, the student body gets together and throws her in a giant bonfire to burn, signifying the end of another “Burning of the Witch” ceremony. Naked Homecoming: “Naked Homecoming,” finally unites the ancient art of streaking with the equally ancient art of football. The players, the cheerleaders, the marching band, and the crowd—are all completely nude. Since nobody wants to tackle a naked man, we usually win the big game. A huge post-game naked homecoming dance ensues. (FU will not be held responsible for any sexual activity that may or may not happen during the naked homecoming dance) Irene the Irritable Mother-in-Law: Founder Raymond Features characterized the mindset of FU to be one of “determination, with great strength and the ability to be heard.” This concept is idealized by FU’s school mascot, Irene the Irritable Mother-in-law. Irene is often depicted as an ugly, fat lady holding her signature frying pan over her head. —Lawrence Dai
