The Eighth Page

The Andover Assassins

Last week on Features Section with Pat Maher, an indoor athletic facility was hilariously discussed. It was said that in the Blaine-O-Dome (PA’s new indoor sports home) an Arena Football League team, the Andover Assassins, would be housed. The Assassins were to be owned by Stephen Tyler of Aerosmith. The Assassins would form their own “save the trees” organization called the Andover Assassins Arbor Aid Association sponsored by Aerosmith, or the A.A.A.A.A.A. It’s pronounced, “AHHHHHH!” This week, in response to all of my fans who wanted to know more about the A.A.A.A.A.A., I have decided to dedicate my entire article (except for the preceding filler paragraph) to explaining the details of the A.A.A.A.A.A. Maybe, when this is all over, you’ll donate to this worthy cause (with all checks payable to Patrick Maher). The A.A.A.A.A.A. is a charitable organization dedicated to helping the tree epidemic in Qatar. After each season, the Assassins will gather all the money they have earned. After transportation fees and any other miscellaneous expenses that are necessary for Arena Football (the balls, arena, strippers-I mean, cheerleaders), the Assassins will be able to plant upwards of four trees in Qatar, thereby doubling the local population. All of this giving will make Stephen Tyler and the boys feel really good about themselves, and give them the famed “community service itch.” In their case, the itch will become infected and develop into a horrible rash. Aerosmith will begin playing the half-time show of all of the Assasins games, and soon will even play at half-time of the Andover sporting events. In his second year as team owner, Stephen Tyler will have enough money to plant twelve more trees in Qatar, possibly resulting in shade! That comes out to roughly one tree per 17, 543.343567732084793404 people. This number is clearly not good enough, for in Sequoiaville, CA there is one tree per .235630956733098 people. Stephen Tyler knows that there is only one way to solve this problem: a convention. So, he gets on the news to tell everyone about the A.A.A.A.A.A. and his mission and says, “Come together right now. Over me.” Millions flock to an A.A.A.A.A.A. convention, but really it was just the Same Old Song And Dance. Tyler explains that the community really does need to come together and rally around the cause. We have troops in Qatar, and they need trees. Trees make it feel like home, especially if they are big oaks. Everyone loves really big oak trees. Tyler makes his presentation in the film room of the Blaine-O-Dome, and really wants to show it to everyone, but he doesn’t know how to stir the crowd from where they are sitting. He decides he will just shout out, “Walk this way! I have a presentation to show you.” The crowd jeeringly shouts out in unison “Dream On.” Tyler finally convinces the crowd to check out his presentation, but it is actually just lots of pictures of his daughter Liv Tyler scantily clad in anything made of wood. He says that this is meant to simplify the beauty of trees, or something, but most of the guys there are just staring at her, instead of concentrating on the matter at hand. Every man there pledged over $1000 to the A.A.A.A.A.A., as long as Liv promises to take pictures in front of every tree they plant. Tyler promises that he would pose with her in a Speedo if they wanted him to, but everyone declines. They could save that for the Too Old to Rock foundation brochures.