In my humble hometown of North Hampton, New Hampshire, not much happens. Besides the occasional death of a cow or a Hillary Clinton campaign stop, there’s really nothing to get excited about. So when I returned home for Yom Kippur last fall, I discovered that my friends would believe anything I told them about boarding school. Here is an excerpt of our lucid, insightful New Hampshire conversation: Billie Rae: You’re still alive? Me: Yeah, where do you think I went? B: Ain’t Andover that place down in the Middle East with the Taliban? Me: No Billie Rae, that’s Afghanistan. B: Oh. Then what’s an Andover? Me: It’s a town in Massachusetts; my school is actually named Phillips Academy, but people just call it Andover because it’s easier. B: Is it one of them fancy schools with smart, high-class folk? Me: I guess so, yeah. B: I don’t take kindly to them folk. Me: Why? B: There be some smart, high-class folk in Exeter, ten minutes from here, and I don’t take kindly to them none because they always wearin’ them ties. And since I don’t take kindly to ties I be like “Hey! I don’t take kindly to no ties.” And they done go and laugh at me with they ties, so now I don’t take kindly to no high-class folk. Me: That’s an awesome story, Billie Rae. But down in Andover people just yell “catboner” out of their cars and flick us off. B: What’s a catboner? It sounds delicious. Me: No one knows, Billie Rae, no one knows. B: I think that’s a better idea than not takin’ kindly to stuff. Me: I actually think you might be right there. B: Shucks. So how’s the food and stuff? Me: It is amazing. B: Well boy howdy, really? Me: We have gourmet chefs who prepare our meals, and our plates are encrusted with gold. And it’s never nasty or microwaved or anything! B: What’s living in one of them dorms like? Me: We have king-size beds and a 60-inch plasma television in every room. With a maid service to keep the rooms clean. B: Swell! Me: That it is, Billie Rae. That it is. I later described to Billie Rae what it was like without hunting or riding my snowmobile at school. Billie Rae was pleased to hear that Andover was working out well for me. All in all, I’m glad that I was able to educate my fellow townsmen about my new life and my new school. North Hampton, New Hampshire is no longer in the dark when it comes to Andover. Because I wouldn’t take too kindly to that.
