The Eighth Page

Incoming Class of 2011 to Bring Athletes, Artists and Communists

Newly accepted students must soon decide if they will be attending Phillips Academy for the 2007-2008 academic year. Over the past week, many of these students have toured the campus. Many members of the Andover community immediately sensed something special about this group of incoming scholars. “Special,” an Admissions worker said during an interview, “Yes, they are very special.” Of the 451 newly admitted students, there are 48 passionate about the visual arts, 183 potential varsity athletes and 13 communists. The Art Department is pleased to see so much interest, but as one faculty member mentioned, “These kids better be good, because if they’re just playin’ with us, I’ll go Jackson Pollock on their behinds.” In response to the new statistics on the Class of 2011, a member of the Athletic Department said, “If these kids were just joking around when they said they could run a sub-4:40 mile, then that’s too bad. They are going to run one anyway. And they are going to like it.” Aside from the large number of athletes, artists, artist-athletes and athlete-artists, the Admissions Office was surprised to find that they had admitted 13 communists. “I think they’re just confused,” one student commented. “Our school color is blue, not red. Exeter is the communist safe-haven. Somebody must have given them bad information or something.” To some, the acceptances are just the beginning of a dark Andover future. Many faculty members believe there are many students already living on campus who are “closet-communists.” “Outing these red-caped pansies is the first thing on our agenda!” said one history teacher. There are several more with the same opinion, holding the belief that even tolerance at the Academy has its limits. As one can tell, the information pouring out about the accepted communists has brought outrage to many members of the student body. It has also been noted that these recent events at Phillips Academy are mirrored by similar circumstances in other states, where a Soviet leader has sent students to study at other prep schools. With the situation spiraling out of control, and rumors blending with fact, hundreds of MySpace pages and Facebook walls have been devoted to discussion of the situation. A group even started on campus to fight the communist presence: Interested New Uppers Fighting Injustice by Denying Life (I.N.F.I.D.L.). As one might infer from the title, these kids don’t play games. “Well, that’s not entirely true,” said a co-head of the club, “Most of us are just in it for the funding they give every club. Our ‘meetings’ are usually at Taco Bell.” It’s a sad, harsh world where the fate of our school, as well as our country, lies in the hands of Ranchero Chicken Soft Taco deprived students.