The Eighth Page

Campus Police Report

Sunday, April 1st At 5:24 p.m., an April Fool’s joke went awry when six students were decapitated after large amounts of Mentos candy were placed in Diet Coke. Monday, April 2nd At 2:48 p.m., Seniors across campus received letters of both acceptance and rejection from various colleges. Rejected applicants were sent to Graham House for “real” college counseling. Tuesday, April 3rd At 11:29 a.m., officers took a report regarding the theft of over 1,000 Commons trays. Culprits remain unidentified. Wednesday, April 4th At 7:31 a.m., missing trays were found in the basement of Commons. Culprits still remain unidentified. Environmentalists are suspected. Thursday, April 5th At 9:15 p.m., a group of students walking back to the Knoll were confronted and subsequently attacked by a wild bear. Bear was confirmed to be a townie. Saturday, April 7th At 10:25 p.m., Blacklight Dance predicted to be “biggest dance of the year.” Dance deemed a success, aside from permanent change in skin color, from “natural” to “neon,” of most students in attendance. Sunday, April 8th At 4:34 a.m., The Penis Statue was sighted and ticketed on a count of indecent exposure. This was its third offense. Tuesday, April 10th At 10:17 p.m., “Toga Day” took turn for the worst. Students claimed the temperature was “too hot” for clothes to be worn underneath togas. Mass acts of “going commando” spurred emergency Philo forum. Wednesday, April 11th At 9:13 a.m., recently hired crossing guard on Salem Street broke both of his arms in a freak juggling accident. Students en route to Bulfinch from Commons had “no idea what to do.” Mass confusion and chaos ensued.