As any good Catholic boy would do, I have chosen to write my first Humor Section article on my trek through the season of Lent. In an effort to reach all readers, not just the devout Christians among us, I will briefly explain what Lent is and what it means. Basically, way back in the day, Jesus went into the desert for 40 days with nothing. His sacrifice is supposed to be reenacted by each Catholic, who gives up one luxury for the 40 days, until Easter when they are allowed to indulge once again. With all the pressure of choosing the right luxury to give up, I decided to seclude myself. So, I locked the door to my room and turned off the music. I stripped down to my boxer shorts, grabbed a belt, and blindfolded myself. I began to chastise myself, following the idea that if I caused myself enough pain, my decision would come through the self-inflicted torture. I soon found that the blindfold was in fact a good idea, for every once in a while I would miss myself with the belt buckle, thus hindering the decision making process, but keeping my morale up somewhat. After careful consideration, and a few welts on my legs, arms, and gluteus maximus it hit me. Staples. How could I not have thought of it before? It was perfect. Not too tough to give up, but also a necessary school supply. I knew that at one point or another during my period of sacrifice, I would find a situation where I needed staples, and would have to refrain from using them. While I knew that the situation would come at some point, I surely had no idea when. In fact, I went through the remainder of the class schedule and almost all of assessment week without any altercations. Almost. In my final assessment period, an in class essay for history, Mr. Tipton asked the class to staple the pages of their in class essays together. My heart sank; I really wanted to staple my essay together. Alas, I knew what I had to do. I rose from my seat, essay in hand, and feeling like a fool. I approached the Tiptonator’s desk with a solemn expression on my face. I looked him square in the eye, and told him “I’m sorry Mr. Tipton, but due to my religion I am unable to staple this in class essay for you.” A puzzled look crossed the man’s face, so I quickly added “I gave up staples for Lent.” I got very nervous after my sacrifice was out in the open, laughter erupted around the classroom. I began wishing I were a turtle, so that I could hide from all of the jeers. However, Mr. Tipton looked back at me with a smile on his face, he simply said, “Far be it from me to get in the way of your religious beliefs.” He then proceeded to fold down the edges of the paper, so that it would stay together, and threw it on the top of the pile. The ordeal was finally over, and no one was hurt. I now look forward to Easter Sunday, when I can finally begin using staples once again. I know that along with the Easter eggs, I will hopefully find staplers and small strips of paper hidden around the house. That way I can commence in my revelry before I have even changed out of my footy pajamas. I know it seems fairly wasteful, which it is, but the way I see it, haven’t I sacrificed enough over this forty day stretch to be able to staple as many things as I see fit?
