The Eighth Page

Missing Scenes

To some, they were the greatest movies ever made, quite possibly the best story ever told. But to one angry, resentful actor, the original Star Wars trilogy was the beginning of the end of a short-lived career in movies. A character by the name of Wally the Awkward Wookiee was never immortalized by the Star Wars films. The tall, shaggy, embarrassing character was cut from every scene he was in. The following are Wally the Awkward Wookiee’s big moments in scenes that 20th Century Fox didn’t even include with the Special Edition DVD of Star Wars: Scene 1 Han Solo and Princess Leia are fixing things in the heating room of the Millennium Falcon. Their romantic chemistry is obvious, as they begin to show each other their true desires. Princess Leia: Oh, Han, I never want this to end! Han Solo: I never knew how soft your earmuff-like hair was! How do you get it that way every day? Princess Leia: It’s a wig, Han. Wally the Awkward Wookiee walks past the entrance of the heating room. He stops, and returns to the entrance. He stares at the couple for about a minute, believing to be hidden behind a heating shaft. Soon, he is noticed. Wally the Awkward Wookiee: Leia, didn’t you once make out with your brother? Scene 2 Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader have come face-to-face for battle on the Millennium Falcon. Light sabers are drawn, and intense theme music is playing. Darth Vader: Give up, Luke. Turn to the Dark Side and rule the empire with me! Luke Skywalker: Never! Darth Vader: Hahahaha! Then prepare to die! Wally the Awkward Wookiee enters Wally the Awkward Wookiee: Um, guys? We’re out of toilet paper. Just, um, thought you should know… Scene 3 The Jedi Council is gathered for an emergency meeting. The Dark Side has grown in force. The council must discuss matters of great importance. Present at the meeting are Wally the Awkward Wookiee, Princess Leia, and Yoda, among others. Yoda: Combine our forces, we must, to drive the Dark Side away! Need them gone forever we do! Rid our peaceful cities of their Space Pirates, we must! Wally: Hey, Princess, Leia, you hear that? Pirates. Leia, if you were a pirate, would you have your parrot on this shoulder (Wally puts hand on Princess Leia’s nearest shoulder), or this shoulder? (Wally walks his hand with his fingers across Princess Leia’s neck to the opposite shoulder and rests his hand there.) Yoda: Inappropriate, that is. The man who played Wally the Awkward Wookiee attempted to file a lawsuit against George Lucas in the early 1980’s, but failed miserably. Though only rumor, it has been speculated that he started hitting on his lawyer. This was exceedingly odd, as he was acting as his own legal representative. –Eli Grober