It’s fifth period. With my stomach growling, I step into line in Lower Right. I glance at the bulletin board and chuckle at those loony “Under the Bed” flyers. At that moment, my life was perfect. I hadn’t a care in the world. The perils of winter were finally beginning to melt away with the emergence of comfortable weather and sunshine. Then, I saw something that would change my life forever. There were no trays in Commons. At first I thought it was just a cruel joke. A Senior prank gone awry. But the Seniors were as horrified as I was. There wasn’t a tray in the entire dining hall. Zero. Zilch. Noneski. I screamed in fright, unsure of what to do when I would have to pick up a plate. What was I supposed to do, hold it? With what? I was thinking things like, “What? I actually have to carry the plate myself? How preposterous!” And, “No one’s here to serve me? Lame!” And finally, “Why is Sanjaya still on American Idol? He isn’t talented at all!” But I finally gathered myself and managed to control one of these “plates.” My hands were burning, and by the time I got to the table, blisters began to form on my palms. I then enjoyed a delicious plate of “smiley fries.” It seems Goldfish aren’t the only tasty snack that smiles back. Despite this momentary jubilation, I was still in shock. It was Trayless Tuesday. Where did Trayless Tuesday come from? It was selected from a pool of six other potential days that didn’t make the cut. Here are some of the failed pitches: Workerless Wednesday Students will have to prepare their own food, as no workers will report to Commons on Wednesdays. Hot Pockets and other microwavable delights will be made available to the students, but to conserve energy, the standard one microwave per dining hall will remain in effect. It is intended to be a fun and exciting way for the students to rediscover how nasty Hot Pockets are, and to find how important Zulema and her sandwiches are to daily life. This plan was ultimately rejected because Commons food is likely of a lesser quality than Hot Pockets, and taking away the Hot Pockets would result in student riots. Totally Tofu Thursday (Editor’s Note: This works if you pronounce Thursday: Tursday) All tofu, all the time! Breakfast, lunch and dinner are totally tofu! In the effort to make our students healthier and even more frustrated with the quality of Commons food, we will serve tofu for all three meals of the day! Look for special treats like tofu turkeys, tofu tennis racquets and tofu toes. Now, that kind of nasty stuff in your stir fry will be all you eat for the entire day, and it’s totally awesome! This plan was shot down because honestly, no one likes tofu. Forkless Friday On Forkless Friday, students will eat with knives and spoons only. Sporks, too, would be discouraged. In keeping with some medieval traditions, it is requested that students eat with their bare hands with as little sanitary measures taken as possible. This will also be mandatory the following day, Silverware-Free Saturday. These two plans were rejected because the students might consider silverware-free days too much fun. Sugary Sunday Every meal during Commons on Sunday will consist of strictly Cocoa Puffs. Because the student body is so cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, it seems perfectly natural that that is all that we have on that day like this one time I had ten bowls of Cocoa Puffs all in a row and I got really cuckoo and I ran in a circle for two hours straight like ZOMG and then I painted a picture and then I had more Cocoa Puffs and it sooo much fun! This plan was not considered because the school would crash almost simultaneously; about two hours after breakfast, about two hours after lunch, and about two hours after dinner. Mystery Meat Monday This plan was not pitched after the realization that this would be no different from every other day in Commons. Now, as I reflect on the crime against humanity that was Trayless Tuesday, while weighing the other potential days that were eventually considered “cruel and inhumane” by the administration, I think that Trayless Tuesday wasn’t so bad after all, and although Sugary Sunday would’ve been kind of cool, I’m glad that this is the only “promotion” Commons has decided to go through with.
