I’m staring into the future. It’s a little less than two years from now and to my great disappointment, I still don’t have any facial hair. I find my future-self in a well-furnished room chatting away with a plump, rosy-cheeked woman wearing a brilliantly colored floral pattern dress. I am somewhat satisfied with this 17-year-old version of myself seeing as how I have appeared to have finally found a girlfriend, but alas, I am disappointed once more. This middle-aged woman is not my mistress-to-be, but a college interviewer. “Well Lawrence, it seems as though your application forms are in order and from what I can tell, you are exactly the type of person we would like to have at our university. However, there is one small problem. I don’t recall you ever addressing the issue of what you accomplished during the spring break of your sophomore year.” This was it. I knew it would end like this. Whatever I said I did over those fateful two weeks would be deciding factor of whether I go to college or continue my life masking my many insecurities by eating excessive amounts of tainted dog meat. The problem was that I didn’t really do anything over that particular break. But I couldn’t let her know that. I had come up with something that sounded good. After I spent a little over two hours explaining to her that Andover called its freshmen “juniors” and its juniors “uppers,” I decided to quit stalling and finally tell the truth. What I told her: Over the short break from my formal studies, I personally established long-term relations with representatives from Korea and planned peace talks that dealt with North Korea’s nuclear weapons program. Delegations were made and I formally filed a statement to the U.N. inquiring: “Why can’t we all just get along?” What actually happened: I talked to my friend on AIM. I think he’s like half Korean or something. Like his dad grew up there or went to school there. What I told her: For approximately 7/9 of my spring break, I conducted a hands-on experiment pertaining to human behavioral trends during nocturnal hours. I focused on the cyclical period of REM sleep during the period where one has an increased rate of anabolism. The data collected from my experiment resulted in a major scientific breakthrough, correlating the electrolence of our brains with the chemical somnolence of our bodies. I later won the Nobel Prize for my achievements in the field of Awesomeness. What actually happened: I woke up every day at 3 p.m. What I told her: After viewing 10 minutes of a television program on some network entitled “MTV,” I wrote up a 25-page essay addressing the major influence popular culture has on teenagers today and how it is affecting global warming. I found grammatical flaws in many pop/rap artists’ lyrics and used Arcadian logic to prove that CFC’s from Hollywood stars’ hairspray was destroying the ozone layer. What actually happened: I downloaded the song “This Is Why I’m Hot” from iTunes and proceeded to dance to its enticing beat in front of my bathroom mirror. What I told her: I spent the last few days of my vacation studying abroad in Greece. While I was there, I spent most of my time gathering 300 Spartans in an attempt to fight off the huge Persian army. I displayed leadership skills while my men and I slaughtered our enemies. We suffered relatively few losses of our own, which surprised many. I believe that cutting off peoples’ limbs and even decapitating the Persians served as a really rich cultural experience that I would not have had otherwise. The battle sequences I shared with my fellow soldiers were extremely graphic, and although our plot fell short due to lack of substance, the bonding experience was unforgettable. We died as heroes and our story was seen as inspiring to people all around the world. I believe this adventure abroad enabled me to grow as a person. What actually happened: This actually did happen to me.
