The Eighth Page

My Life in the FAST Lane

Friends, enthusiastic readers, longshoremen, family, and strange men who follow me around campus on Thursday nights – I must come clean. It has come to my attention that many of you have false perceptions of the real me, the real Eli Grober ’09, and my deeds. This man of flesh and blood is no less mortal than any of you. I am no more courageous than any of you, nor am I any less a fan of M.I.M.S. than Prateek Kumar ’07. And yet, so many of you see me as a different person than I believe myself to be and there are so many rumors relating to my “life in the fast lane” that I feel the need to set the record straight. I don’t really know how to fly. I have made many claims, but alas, none are true. How I wish I could join the birds in their ascent to the heavens. However much I may yearn to relieve myself on unsuspecting citizens, I cannot. Unless I am on the roof of a building. Can and have. I do indeed partake in intense taco eating. Though I do not hold any records or titles in the competitive food world, I have been known to swing by “The Bell” well after dinner time to fulfill my needs. And yes, my favorite meal is the Chalupa. And no, I don’t take that with sour cream. My milkshake does not bring all the boys to the yard. I’m not even sure I know how to make a milkshake, never mind one that attracts people to my house. This is not to say I have anything against milkshakes. I love milkshakes. Especially the chocolate ones. They’re great. Really. I am not the 2004 World Champion Drag Racer. I won it all in 2003. Contrary to very popular belief, I do know how to use chopsticks. Not many people have seen me open those little packets that the wooden fork-like things come in, and so they assume I am ignorant. This is a terrible assumption, and we all know that when you assume, you make an fool out of both you and me. The truth is, I am American and I use a fork. That’s right, I’m putting the U and the S back in Mu Shu. I am not a body builder. As a matter of fact, I hardly need to work out to get this “Adonis-like” physique. I’d actually be scared to see how large my biceps would grow if I started lifting regularly. They’d probably burst – probably. I have never served time. Despite my nasty street reputation and my array of naked lady tattoos, I was never charged with any of the charges filed against me. I enjoy putting my topic sentences in bold. I find it emphasizes the main point I am trying to make. I watch Gilmore Girls on a regular basis. And I am also extremely displeased about the latest development with Mia’s wedding. OMG! Can you believe that Rory is in a fight with Logan? I am so freaked out. I’m rooting for you girl! Rory is my hero 4 life! My favorite pastime, next to streaking, is actually not horse-back or pony riding (sorry, Mr. Gruskin). It is something more subdued and a bit more menacing. You may know it as accounting. I know it as crazy intense calculations all day long. Number-crunching is the closest you will ever get to unbridled, reckless, and, quite frankly, super-duper partying without ever having to leave the office. It’s a heck of a time, and we get super trashed on the weekends. Even when all this is said and open to the public, I believe I still deserve your respect. I may not be the king of drag racing. Akon may not be in my top 40 play list. I may not even be able to fly, but I sure have tried on multiple occasions, and believe me, it hurts to hit pavement from thirty-something feet up. And you know what? I’m okay with myself. I know I may not be able to fit your preset standard of some Greek God or Oprah look-alike, but I am comfortable with that. In fact, you guys ought to be ashamed of yourselves. Readers, fans, and the rest of you, this list of faults, and my ability to come clean and just be myself, all for your entertainment – this, people of the free world, is why I’m hot. I’m hot cause I’m fly, and you ain’t, cause to be honest, you not. I didn’t mean that. I promise. Now, I would like to announce my intentions to run for the presidency. Isn’t it a little late in the game for that, you may ask? Nope. Not if you write me in. Vote Grober ’09 – he’ll represent.