The Eighth Page

The Fruits of Great Achievement

T’was Lower year, and I was an eager young lad with great ambitions. I was an avid reader of The Phillipian and I sought to write for the Features section. Hence, I contacted one of the war chiefs, Lord Badman, about the matter and the rest is history. My articles were of legendary quality, and of course, modesty. There was the one where I went to China with my brother (who happened to be an eccentric chimpanzee named Qeegar), the article where I fought Pete Dignard for free cable, and finally who could forget the time I traveled to Egypt to find the lost crystal of Hasan. Aside from all the crazy adventures I have gone through, I’ve made some good friends. I’ll never forget the time I met Dave Curtis. Sweet, tender, pure Dave Curtis. I remember him walking into the newsroom with his curly brown hair, defined jaw line, and supple buttocks. I knew instantly that we would get along, and have been good friends ever since. I cherish our friendship, Dave. Then there was Pete. Pete smelled like a wet dog that had slept in a bed of rotten eggs for a week. He has had a mustard stain on the crotch of every single pair of pants he owns, and spends his free time abusing small forest critters. And, he reminds me of Roman Polanski. Despite these undesirable qualities, I still say hello to him in private and occasionally throw him a doggy biscuit. The Features Section at its best has known the fruits of great achievement, and at its worst, been peed on. We have seen great times together. There was the time we played that practical joke on Prateek Kumar ’07 by registering him to vote as a Democrat, and who could forget that time we switched around all the babies at the maternity ward. Ah yes, that last one proved to be a funny situation. From the moment I arrived in the newsroom and formed slAve, Features’ own band, I knew this section was more than paper and ink thrown together with cheap labor. Then there are the readers. If it wasn’t for you guys, I wouldn’t be the local celebrity/ heartthrob I am today. The favorite part of my week was when the paper came out on Fridays. I would instantly be swarmed by underclassman girls begging me to sign my article. Parents would bake me delicious treats, and Subway asked me to do a commercial with Jared. I did enjoy the attention, and will miss it dearly after this issue. To all my faithful readers: I love each and every one of you, and you will be fed grapes and fanned by beautiful virgins in the afterlife for your commitments. And now I draw towards the conclusion of my last article as Features Editor. I will always remember that first time down in the Phillipian room, when Badman showed me the ropes while sporting his camouflage hat. I want to thank all of the writers who have made the Features Section possible, all of the other Phillipian editors for providing me with eye candy while I toiled over the section, Dave and Pete for their tender hearts, and finally, to my parents for conceiving me in a ’64 Impala to the tune of George Thurgood’s Born to be Wild.