Snowflakes are falling, love is in the air and baby, it’s cold outside. Indeed, Saint Valentine’s Day is near! As the celebrated day of romance approaches ever so quickly, there is only one thing on every Andover gentleman’s mind: the ladies. How do we please them? How do we pursue them without criminal offense? Gentlemen, I have your solution: poetry. With my quick and simple formula, you will be able to “mack” like the pros in no time. Form: The first thing you need to decide is what structure you will use for your first love poem. Iambic pentameter is good for rekindling that fire in a “dull” relationship. Don’t even know the girl? That’s alright, give her some short stanzas or a rhyming couplet. If you’re a Facebook friend of hers, but don’t even acknowledge her on the paths, then start off with something a bit simpler. Perhaps a “roses are red” theme would fit your situation best. Don’t know her and don’t really care either? Well then, I don’t know why you’re still writing her a poem. But lyrics that will get you some “effortless” action can be made in no time. Use this simple format that I have developed over the past few years: (Name of Girl), my sweet (type of candy – not a horse tail), The days grow (adjective), But my love for you never (verb) It amazes me how (adjective) you are. I start to (verb) Whenever I (verb) you from afar. Content: Content schmontent. As long as you’re sappy or witty, you can get away with almost anything here. The innards of this baby can be dry and undeveloped, just so long as you include a few of the “romantic” words and phrases listed below: “Honey” “That was me breathing on the phone” “Dewdrop” “Sugar” “Love you like a fat kid loves cake” “My muffin cutie-pie” “Sexy Mama” “Please just look at me” “You weren’t actually sick, were you?” Delivery: How do you deliver your poem? How do you go about this immensely important part of the process? Well, Sherlock, there are mailboxes in the mailroom. If, however, you want to spice things up a bit, here are some suggestions: Facebook Post: For those of you who either live by your computer or are just too scared to be personal about this, there is always a Facebook wall to write on. But child, beware! Others will see your scandalous exclamations of pure emotion! Serenade: For the bravest of heart, this option will have the most impact. You will know right away how the girl feels about you after singing your poem (preferably one that rhymes) outside of her dorm. Be sure you get the correct dorm, and remember to throw some rocks at her window first. Bringing along a Mariachi band helps mucho. Lipstick on a Mirror (Or use a red marker, just not blood): This timeless option is sure to either leave the girl in love with her secret admirer or on the phone with the police. You will need to memorize the poem, have a tube of lipstick ready to go and find a way of getting into her room. For the latter, I suggest calling a “Mr. Krevotz.” He can hook you up with a key to almost any lock. Just call the number at the end of this article and ask for Bessy. Tell them Dave sent you – they’ll know what’s up. To execute this in good fashion, leave your initials, but not your extension. She’ll love the mystery of it, and the fuzz will never find you. Well, that’s about as much advice as I can give you. The rest is up to you. There is nothing I can say or do that will help you any more – you’re on your own. One last word of advice: no means yes. Unless it means no. x6969
