The Isham Health Center has confirmed one of our greatest fears. I for one have always felt that this Academy is an escape from the problems of the “common folk.” In my opinion, there is an aura to Andover that protects against itching, stinging and burning. Yet this Wednesday Isham announced an outbreak of venereal disease on campus. Dr. Richard Beller of the health facility has issued the following statement in response to the phenomenon: “It is clear that we have a problem on our hands… and on other things, for that matter. This increase in venereal disease is due presumably to sexual activity, intravenous drug use, and breast-feeding. Interestingly, the outbreak seems to have hit the Pine Knoll Cluster the hardest, with 92% of affected students living in those dorms. In fact, the primary seven STD’s that we have been seeing are chlamydia, gonorrhea, herpes, syphilis, human feussalomavirus, hepatitis PG, as well as a species of pubic lice that seems to have spawned in Rabbit Pond.” Isham seems to be taking the outbreak in stride, doling out efficient and effective treatment. In fact, the only real worry that I noticed was “when those giggly brats would be healthy enough to move back to Nathan Hale.” Morale is high in Isham, but the “VD in PKN” saga is going quite differently elsewhere. The overflow of students staying in the health center has students outraged that “you must have slept with someone to use the sleeping room.” Among the unaffected members of PKN there is concern that the cluster’s integrity has been sullied. A teary-eyed Stuart resident told me of how the actions of his peers have affected him. “I was enjoying a delicious pressed panini in Commons the other evening when I overheard the conversation at a table of Foxcroft residents. I can’t be sure of what they were talking about, but do you know what they called my cluster? It wasn’t Pine Knoll, it wasn’t PKN, and it sure as hell wasn’t The Knoll. No, it was ‘Hurts-when-you-peeKN’. Can you believe that? It doesn’t hurt when I pee! Lower year I had a single-digit number in the housing lottery… I could have gone anywhere! But I picked Pine Knoll, because the color green just happens to compliment my complexion. I signed up for the sweatshirt, not the assumptions about my excretory habits!” Other clusters have reported similar trends, but none mirror the problems confronting the Pine Knoll cluster. News of warning has yet to reach all of Abbot cluster. We can only hope that they are more careful than PKN. With the exception of Day Students (reported “not cool enough”), there is surely no one on campus who hasn’t been touched this epidemic. “So please,” asks Dr. Beller, “protect yourselves. I didn’t leave Milton for this crap!”
