In a formal statement made on Wednesday, February 21st, peer tutor Anooj Suman ’08 officially categorized his chemistry tutee Martin Anderson ’09 as “utterly, utterly hopeless.” Anderson reported to the Academic Support Center on October 23rd of last year, after having received “less than stellar” midterm reviews in all of his subjects. Anderson’s weakest subject was reportedly chemistry, a class where he received a “double F,” a grade which had, until now, been an urban legend. In response to the situation at hand, the ASC staff assigned avid Science Club participant Anooj Suman to Anderson’s case. “If anyone can help that poor soul pass this class, it’s going to be Anooj,” admitted Anderson’s chemistry teacher. “He’s definitely smart enough, but there’s always that cloud of uncertainty with that Martin. Ah, Martin. There’s not a day that goes by when I don’t wonder how that kid slipped by the admissions’ office’s idiot detector. Seriously, my dog could vomit better looking Lewis structures than the schlop he writes down on tests.” In spite of a teacher’s somewhat negative attitude, Suman sent Anderson the first e-mail requesting a time for the two of them to meet. Anderson replied with another e-mail which has been reprinted below with permission of both parties. A-neeeewjowakalakabooboolaaaa!!!! Heyyyyyyy! Sry, I cant meet wit u at the lib cuz I gots to clip my toenailzzzz then. they are very long right now. don’t worry, I got this chem stuff down pat. the learnings in class be mad EZ. Catch ya later! “I don’t understand why he couldn’t spell my name right,” Suman told The Phillipian. “I mean, it was clearly written out in the other e-mail as well as under the ‘from’ heading on PAnet.” Complications only escalated from there, as Anderson continued to evade meetings due to “toenailzzzz” and “peanut butta jelly time.” Having previous experience with delinquents such as these, Suman called in a favor from PAPS and had them drive over to Anderson’s dorm to abduct him from his bedroom. Suman finally met Anderson and tried to help him with his chemistry homework. Soon after, Suman had a severe anxiety attack and was immediately sent to Isham Health Center. “I can’t imagine what could’ve happened in the five minutes they were together,” said a library proctor. “I think they were going over dimensional analysis when all of a sudden one kids falls to the ground and has a seizure. He might have been foaming at the mouth too, but I sure as heck didn’t stick around to find out.” Suman has since been gradually recovering from the experience at Graham House and has managed to comment on Anderson’s academic capabilities. “Martin Anderson will never master the precious art of chemistry, let alone master the ability to dress himself. He is a disgrace to mankind and I shall not rest until his blood flows through the sewers of our campus.” In the coming week, Anderson’s file will be casually glanced at and subsequently tossed aside along with the other “lost causes” in the ASC’s archives. In this sense, Anderson will go down in history as he joins other greats such as Samuel F.B. Morse, Oliver Wendell Holmes, and of course, President George W. Bush.