Yo! Whaddup, my kids? It’s me, Lawrence Dai ’09! And I want to be your school president! I know that I’m just a Lower this year, but if anyone knows what’s good for this school, it’s gotta be me. I hail from a little place called Kohler, Wisconsin. Anyway, I don’t really do any “clubs” or go to “class” or anything, so you might say that I have plenty of free time to take on this position. I might be able to cut into my online gaming hours to do some work for Student Council. But all of it’s got to be done before 11 p.m. because I’ve got lights out. Well not really, but I just refuse to believe I’m not a freshman anymore. Rockwell ’05 -’06 4 LIFE!!! Well, here is my platform: Authentic continuous dining: Have you ever wanted to go grab something to eat at 4 a.m. on a Thursday? I don’t know about you guys, but I get a mad case of the munchies around then. So last week Thursday, I scuttled down to Commons, only to find that they aren’t open. I mean seriously. So here’s what I’m saying. In my Dai-nasty (get it? Dynasty, Dai-nasty. It’s a play on words. That’s exactly the kind of material you’ll get during All-School Meeting. I was born to be showman.) Commons will be required to be open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. The only continuous thing about the bagels in Commons is their ability to suck. If I have my way with things, Commons will prepare seven meals a day: breakfast, brunch, second breakfast, lunch, an after-lunch munch, mid-afternoon tea, dinner, and a midnight snack. In addition to providing around-the-clock goodies, I will personally make sure that every dining hall is fully staffed and producing tons of orange beef. Blue Book/D.C. System: The current D.C. system is flawed. We all know it and I really don’t believe that there is any way we can fix it. Therefore, I propose that we eliminate the Blue Book and D.C. system completely. Who needs rules? I strongly think that our student body is very responsible for their actions and I don’t think we will be seeing any major changes in student behavior. America is a country based on peace, love, and freedom. Last time I checked, our school is located in America. Therefore, under our current system of regulations, we are being unpatriotic, and I, for one, will not stand for un-patriotism of any kind. Up yours, terrorists! Laundry gnomes: E & R has a monopoly on the campus laundry business, and frankly, I’m not cool with that. And they’ve been stealing my boxers. Since many students wish to seek out a middle road between E & R and wasting time cleaning out lint screens, I propose we hire laundry gnomes. Gnomes are known for being a naturally clean and mythological species, so they will have no problem washing and folding our clothing. It is rumored that if you stick your fingers up a gnome’s nostrils, gold will pour from its pockets. Walking to class: Personally, I hate walking to class. So why walk when you can Segway? Communal Segway Human Transporters will be provided at strategic points across campus. Their unique intermolecular balancing systems will be sure to get you from Bullfinch to Graves with minutes to spare. Classes are a drag: In the sense of our traditional Head of School Day, I propose a “School President Week.” Although I’m almost sure the administration will not cooperate with me on this one, I don’t really care. No matter what they say, I’m not going to go to class when I randomly announce the week of vacation by walking into commons completely nude. Throughout the week, I will send out hourly e-mails from different administrative faculty, to avoid any confusion. Communication with the administration: I saw this on some other candidates’ platforms so I thought I’d put it on mine. It sounds important. Remember, Vote for Dai or Die! Whichever you prefer.
