The Eighth Page

I’m Not Really Leaving

If there is one thing I have learned in all my time writing for the Features section it is this: no matter how many times you try to sneak the word [expletive deleted] into the paper, it will always get caught. Moving on, as you may know, this constitutes my last article written while still assuming partial command of the Features Section. We’ve had a good run, comrades; we’ve shared some laughs, some cries and even some saliva. Yet that is over now. Adler will most likely ruin this section: turning it into a venue for his excessively dry and witty humor that appeases the administration, transforming the section into print-worthy material acceptable by all relative moral standards. It’s a travesty, I know. Yet, I will not go down without a fight. The sanctity of excessively offensive personal attacks, fart-jokes, and immature/childish slander must be upheld. And rather than travel quietly down the scenic and relaxing valleys of nostalgia, I intend to (in classic Features list format) push the once again uphold the standards of my forefathers of the Feech. Thusly, the remainder of my long goodbye will be devoted to transcribing all of the wisdom I have received in working with the Features Section. Accept these statements as law. 1. “It is always funny when people get hurt.” It is especially funny when old people get hurt. It is even funnier when old people with physical maladies get hurt… badly. 2. “Character is what you do when no-one is watching.” Apparently, character is also a 300 lb. Mandingo Warrior named Cinnamon. Who could have guessed? 3. “Never throw the baby out with the bathwater.” Seriously, who would do such a thing? That’s just plain stupid. On a related note… 4. “It is poor form to stiff the bell-boy.” It is even poorer form to take him out to a nice seafood dinner, leave him with the check and then never call him again. 5. “Boys will be boys, girls will be girls…” and Chuck Norris will annihilate all of them, if they cross his path. (Sorry, but what kind of man would I be if I didn’t give a shout-out to Chuck in my final article.) 6. “All broad assumptions are false.” Truer words were never spoken. If I have a single regret, it is that I have but one life to give for my fair Features section. Goodnight Sweet Prince. Oh, and P.S., [expletive deleted].