Dear Diary, I rented a movie this week that may change my entire life. I didn’t even realize that I had added it to my Netflix list, as I generally only request pornographic films. But when Robin Willams’ classic work, “Mrs. Doubtfire” arrived, I knew I had to watch it. Immediately, I related to Robin Williams’ character, Daniel Hillard. Like me, he was divorced, had kids and was fired from his job. Well, I guess you have to have a job to get fired, so we differ there. When I lost the custody battle for my kids, I threw in the towel. I said things to my children like, “Win some lose some, and “It was good while it lasted.” But Daniel Hillard’s similar dilemma, and its ensuing hilarity and brilliance, is nothing short of inspiring. I made a promise to myself this afternoon that I will regain at least partial custody of my two kids, Ben and Kristie. When Ben says things to me like, “I’m glad you’re out of my life” or “Some people call your problem alcoholism,” I know it is the court that is getting between us. I will no longer stand idle as Kristie’s boyfriends continue to call me her “washed up father” and “the guy who used to work with them pumping gas at 7-11.” It’s time for a change. As soon as debt collectors stop calling me, or when the phone company shuts off my service, which will most likely happen first, I will have ample time to fight for my kids. The other day I called my wife, or as she calls herself, “ex-wife.” I wanted to let her know of my intentions. She said, “Bruce, you’ll need a lawyer.” I told her I’d hired Billy Flynn. But she knew that was the name of Richard Gere’s character in “Chicago,” the Broadway show and hit movie. “It’s your favorite show, Bruce,” she said. “Do you think I’m an idiot?” I told her I did not think she was an idiot. Later I told Ben and Kristie that I thought she was. In order to present a viable case to the court, I could have found a job or gotten an apartment, but I had an even better idea: magic. One sleepless night, I found myself watching the amazing David Blaine. After he did not return any of my letters or video-messages, I decided to bypass his training and teach myself the art of magic. To date, I have worked three Bar Mitzvahs and a retirement party. For the first time in my life, I feel confident in myself. Magic has brought me a glimmer of happiness in an otherwise horrific waste of a life. Yet my children, ages 17 and 22, are not impressed with my newly acquired skills, and claim that “it’s a waste of time to try and obtain custody of an adult and a 17 year-old.” A homeless man just threw away his newspaper. I’m going to go read it. -Bruce –Jonathan Adler
