The Eighth Page

Coping with defeat: the Matt Cranney story

“Hello, group. My name is Matthew Cranney and I have a problem. I am a failed student-body presidential candidate. I would like to thank Frank Pinto ’08 for founding this group and inviting me here tonight. Frank, you are helping a lot of people cope with a tough problem. Like most of you, I did not believe the results of last Tuesday’s election. Instead of acknowledging my defeat, I ignored it. I continued to plaster the library with posters. After the library, I moved onto commons, then GW, Fuess and finally the OPP headquarters. At 1:00 a.m., Officer Wendy forcibly removed me from campus after I attempted to plaster Nathan Hale with my new posters. After being tazered, the reality sunk in. Things only got worse after that first night. I had to face the horrible truth: I had been beaten by a girl. Make that two girls. I had brought a great dishonor to upon my family. My sensei advised me that ritual Hari Kari was my only honorable choice. My father recommended I treat the problem the traditional Irish way: drink myself to ruin, father an illegitimate child, and then write a poem about it. Later that night, my friends found me in Ryley on my fifteenth IBC root beer, making claims such as “I really was going to put Guitar Hero in Ryley” and “saying hello on the path, that sounds like the Communists to me.” Luckily, my friend intervened before I stabbed the Ryley cashier with a broken IBC bottle. She wouldn’t let me watch my eighth consecutive episode of “Full House.” “Other people want to use the television.” Yeah right, no one can resist the charms of Bob Saget. After the incident in Ryley, I was drained. Everything around me seemed sad. I lost interest in activities that normally provided me with joy. I was prone to mood swings. My doctor recommended I try Gloloft. Gloloft is not meant for everyone. Side effects include: nausea, mild to severe head aches, hallucinations and severe rectal bleeding. I decided not to take Gloloft due to my irritable bowel syndrome, and my recent conversion into a hippie. Anything that isn’t from Mother Earth isn’t kosher. I’ve lost faith in western medicine. Fortunately, I was able to hark back to my Lower year Life Issues class where we learned about depression. I vaguely remembered watching a movie about some sort of natural treatment for depression, something called a “permanent nap.” I decided that I would at least try it out. I curled up in one of the comfy chairs, and let sweet slumber drift over me. Three hours later I awoke to a puddle of drool around my face and five miniature people poking me asking to use my chair. So much for the permanency of my nap. But I forgave the freshmen, remembering that their minds are too undeveloped to comprehend the suffering of an upperclassman, never mind a former presidential candidate. I did feel better after the nap. I had a refreshed outlook on life. If I couldn’t be president, I knew there had to be other ways I could quench my ego’s hunger. I am thinking of applying for presidency of the Math Club, or Blue Key Head. I feel like I would look handsome in a skirt. All of my lady friends agree (thanks Mom!) that if those don’t work out, I am considering creating a radio show on WPAA where people can call in and talk about how cool I am. I hear that they are always looking for new and exciting programming. Well group, thank you for all the support you’ve given me this past week. I wouldn’t have made it through without you. Former presidential candidates need to stick together.”