The Eighth Page

Bruce Mansfield Middle-Aged and Mildly Depressing: Life Insurance Questionnaire

How old are you? Forty-six. But I feel so much older. Do you work with heavy machinery on the job? Does my wife count? Just kidding, I’m divorced. How would you define your level of alcohol consumption? Irregular (i.e. at noon time, through a straw, etc.) Have you had any life-threatening illnesses in the past? Cholera. Oh, do STDs count? Do you have any known allergies? Grass, berries, pitted fruits, cat dander, dog dander and danderlions. How many bones have you broken? Three…four if you count the trombone I broke in my middle school band! Everybody loves that one. Well, except my ex-wife. How many sick days have you taken in the past year? Some might call me self-employed, others, unemployed, so I’d say I’ve taken about 50 – 200 sick days. Do you smoke? I’ll tell you what I smoke…suckas like you on the b-ball court! Are your parents still alive? If you really want to know, drive behind them. Is there anything else that we should know related to medical history? René-Théophile-Hyacinthe Laennec invented the stethoscope in 1816. Describe your level of physical fitness. Low.