The Eighth Page

Bruce Considers his Golden Years: RETIREMENT HOMES!

Bruce has decided that it is time to begin looking for his final home. A retirement home is an important place. It is where Bruce will live out his final days, playing poker and watching reruns of “Matlock.” But there are so many different options out there. Florida or Phoenix? Nursing staff or full buffet? As Bruce said, “I hope I find a job so I can retire from it.” Shady Oaks Village Shady Oaks is a quiet little retirement community located in Martha’s Vineyard. Each individual is provided with a fully furnished villa-style mansion that comes with a swimming pool of caviar. Each estate comes with your personal butlers named Raoul and Juan-Jose, who are both very muscular. They will oil up on request. We also offer a cornucopia of athletic activities such as fencing, sailing, croquet and perhaps our most popular program: Polo for the Elderly. 24/7 access to popular clothing vendors such as J. Crew, Lacoste and Polo Ralph Lauren are also provided. We give the phrase “Old Money” a new meaning. Slogan: “We’re just better than you.” Price: $30,000/month Mansfield’s Remarks: Sounds like a nice place. Perhaps a bit too nice for my tastes. I think I’d prefer a more exciting and rugged way to spend the last years of my life. Plus, it’s just a little out of my price range. That’s more money than I lost to my wife in the divorce, and that felt like a lot. Sunnyside Acres Here at Sunnyside Acres Retirement Home we specifically cater our services to the average senior citizen who wishes to remain active in the community. Facilities include a nine-hole golf course and driving range, a fifteen-lane bowling alley, a clown-themed moon bounce, three specialized fitness centers, an X-treme obstacle course and the nation’s finest sword-swallowing arena. We currently host the world’s top seven senior Olympic athletes, as well as the world record holder for weightlifting in the in the 80 and over age bracket. He broke this record right in our own fitness center with a dead lift of 15 lbs. You can be a champion too! Throw away that bedpan and IV line, and join the rest of the seniors at Sunnyside Acres for some rugby! Slogan: “X-TREME TO THE MAX!*” *Sunnyside Acres will not be held responsible for deaths/injuries as a result of an overdose of X-TREME-NESS Price: $9,000/month Mansfield’s Remarks: It certainly seems like the most X-treme retirement home I’ve seen so far and it has a very good athletic program. But I’m kind of worried that all of the other residents will envy my well-built physique. Wait, let me rephrase that: I’m kind of worried that I will envy all of the other residents’ well-built physiques. Pine Grove Cherry Hill Residential Facility We provide affordable housing for the elderly. We have “arts and crafts” time. We offer bingo on Sunday nights. We smell like your grandmother. We pretend that we care, but deep down inside we really do not. We are safe and familiar. We are revered across the world for being plain, ordinary and stereotypical. Morgue on location! Slogan: “Not an ideal place to die.” Price: $1,500/month Mansfield’s Remarks: You know those Indian restaurants? And the food they serve there? This place is exactly like that: way too hot and spicy for me. Hellmann’s Real Mayonnaise Presents: El Casa de Relaxation Enjoy your golden years in paradise at El Casa de Relaxion sponsored by Hellmann’s Real Mayonnaise! Hellmann’s Real Mayonnaise provides residents with a lifetime supply of Hellmann’s Real Mayonnaise! You can use Hellmann’s Real Mayonnaise on sandwiches! Three square meals per day of Hellmann’s Real Mayonnaise! Relax on the coast of El Casa curled up next a jar of that wonderful Hellmann’s Real Mayonnaise! You know you want it! Hellmann’s Real Mayonnaise! Slogan: Hellmann’s Real Mayonnaise has half the trans-fat of other mayonnaise! Price: $850/month or about 7,263 jars worth of Hellmann’s Real Mayonnaise Mansfield’s Remarks: I think I’m allergic to Hellmann’s Real Mayonnaise. The Cockroach Motel Four occupants share one room. Outhouse located just two miles down the road. Strict lights-out policy at 5:00 p.m. No visitors. Provide your own food. Running water is not included. Our walking paths double as roads! Price: $10/night Mansfield’s Remarks: It’s perfect! I’ll take it! I can’t even imagine a more perfect fit for me.