The Eighth Page

Academy to Administer Random Urine Testing

Even after the uproar from students and faculty alike over the latest addition of a breathalyzer test to the Phillips Academy campus, the administration has decided it would be best to further follow in the footsteps of peer schools such as Exeter and Hotchkiss. Effective immediately after Spring Break, random urine tests will be administered to any and all students on weekends. The original plan was to test students who were deemed “suspiciously-scented” by Dean Early Medwards’ “breath-smelling test,” but the final decision was that even random testing would catch more kids than a Dean’s keen nose. Some students were confused by the decision. “I don’t know why they think we do drugs,” said one underclassman day student, “I mean, only hippies did drugs, and they’re all old now.” When asked to comment, one student exclaimed “I think it’s great! I’m a huge fan of urine, and I love tests – at least standardized ones – so this should be totally rad! Maybe it’ll even boost my GPA” Not everyone is happy here on Academy Hill. Many anti-urine marches and events have been planned for the upcoming weeks. There is a growing faction of enraged students who are attempting to take away their own ability to urinate in protest of the new rule. The students claim to have good intent. As one of the leaders of this group pointed out, “The mere act of taking the test is just humiliating, and destroys the trust that this school’s administration so prominently shares with its students. Besides, I don’t have very good aim.” The administration has come up with a draft of the testing procedure. According to the new Blue Book Rule IV Sec. 1.8, “The test, if failed, cannot be made up through further examination.” As stated in the new draft of the Blue Book, the test will be carried out as follows, “A faculty member will have a supply of urine testing boxes. First, you will cut a hole in the box. Then, you will put your junk in the box. Then, you will have the faculty member open the box. That’s the way you will do it.”