The Eighth Page

8 Simple Rules for Blue & Silver Success

**Dress to Impress** The first impression of a man is based on his appearance. Do not wear a button-down shirt with a blazer and tie. Girls want a guy that is sophisticated and unconventional. Go for the older, more mature look. A nicely woven cardigan sweater will do fine along with tightly bound suspenders and a tucked-in polo shirt. Be sure to button the top button in order to hide any protruding chest hair. You don’t want to look like a bum. Top off the outfit with your bulky cell phone securely fashioned to your cell phone belt-clip for quick and easy access. If you really like the girl, bring along your finest corncob pipe and take a puff or two along the walk to Commons. **Personal Hygiene is a Must** Man is only at his finest when the odors that emanate from his body are completely natural. Avoid all mouthwashes, deodorants, colognes, breath mints and gum. About a week prior to the big day, refrain from brushing your teeth and showering. If you have neglected this strategy up until now, you can always roll around in some mud or hang out in Ryley for an extended period of time. In extreme cases, you may also want to scrounge out some used towels from the boys’ locker room. Use these to rub on yourself before you pick up your date. If you have any questions regarding this topic, please refer to Pete Smith ’07. **Be Funny** Girls love a guy with a sense of humor. Crack a few dead-baby jokes and she will burst out in laughter guaranteed. She will also be incredibly impressed with the fact that you can quote Borat extensively along with his ever so sexy accent. If you have any questions regarding how to be funny, whatever you do, please DO NOT refer to Pete Smith ’07. **Washboard Abs Attract Girls Who Grab** You can not go wrong with a six-pack, but a twelve-pack is even better, if you can manage it. If you are muscularly impaired like me, magic marker works just as well. Trust me. She will not be able to tell the difference. **Flowers are Essential** Traditionally, most PA students go downtown to KaBloom to buy flowers for their dates. I will admit that the store is somewhat convenient and their selection is rather nice, but if we’ve learned anything from middle school, it would be to not give into peer pressure. If you’re looking for a more sophisticated way to express your feelings in petal form, try CVS. Hidden away from the giant bulk of expensive stores downtown, the quiet, little, franchised abode has a very family-oriented staff and will kindly cater to your every need. When you go up to the registers, there is a plastic container holding a large number of artificial roses. Snipe one for only $1.79 with your CVS card. Why go artificial, you ask? Well, why not? They last much longer than real flowers and are generally prettier. Plus, CVS carries a wide variety of colors and choices in stock. Flowers vary from the traditional artificial red rose to the surprisingly popular black feathered rose for that special emo someone. **Don’t Pay for Her Ticket** It is just common courtesy. She realizes that as a guy, you are under a lot of stress to cough up the dough. Do not bother, and save up for a worthy cause, like pizza. **Compliment Her** In this case, sincerity is key. Girls do not want some guy just telling them how beautiful they are. Be truthful. If you think she looks ugly in that dress, tell her. She will thank you for your honesty. I mean, you did just save her from a potentially embarrassing situation. Proceed to give yourself a pat on the back. **She Wants to Dance** Try to avoid dancing at all costs. Upon entering the building, immediately break out into tears and incomprehensible sobbing and moaning. According to the laws of physics, she will be drawn to your ability to show emotion because apparently other guys do not do that. After you do this, she will be sure to take pity on you and you know what that means. Ohhhhh yeeeaaaahhhh…