The Eighth Page

Notable Alumni

In its 200-year history, Andover has produced a strong legacy of successful alumni. With wide range of graduates who go on to become shrewd businesspeople to professional clowns, Andover depends on the brilliance of these alumni for two things: to promote the school and more importantly, to fund the growing endowment, which every individual of the PA community depends on. Only a handful of the thousands of alumni possess the prestige and fame that is necessary to be featured in the Phillipian “Alumni Spotlight.” There are a few who have been buried in the crowd. These are the graduates Andover isn’t so proud of, and among them are the rapists, the pornographers, the insurgents who all (like you probably will, too) graduated from Andover. I set out on an investigative journalism crusade to identify these graduates, talk to them, and ask for a donation. I must warn you, my findings are far from glamorous, but after reading about them I hope you will realize that excellent students like you could end just like any of these people five years from now. Paris Hilton ’69 Paris came to Andover to pursue the arts. While a student here, Paris was involved with the entire student body in more ways than one. She was a Brace Center for Gender Studies fellow not because she was interested in gender studies in the common sense, but because she spent most of her teenage years studying gender. Her love for theater and cinematography led her to star in numerous films. Anakin Skywalker ’92 Anakin was a four-year student who came to Andover with a passion for leadership. He spent his Upper year in the SYA program in Taboo. While he was there, he discovered Pod racing and light-saber fighting. He never returned to Andover after his Upper Year because he had become too involved with creating and managing the Sith Empire, which qualified as a “business” in the Blue Book. Kenneth Lay ’62 Kenneth was a dear alumnus who donated a lot of money. He offered many exclusive investment opportunities to the Investment Officer, who manages the endowment. John Mark Karr ’72 Karr was a curious, but timid Andover student who had trouble making friends here. He volunteered an extraordinary amount to community service, especially those activities with many local elementary school and preschool students. With his fashion sense, it comes at no surprise that he ran the Fashion Show all four years he was here. Ron Jeremy ’83 Ron is known throughout the country for his unusual abilities, which we can’t state here. After taking every Video class available at the school, he took on Independent projects. His interest in film led him to star in the award-winning movies. He holds a Guiness World Record. Though renowned for his staying power, Jeremy was unable to keep plugging away ‘till graduation. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad ’75 Mahmoud, better known as “M-money” by his close Andover friends, has been a key player in the international scene for quite some time now. His policies and ideas have been questioned by none. While here, he was elected School President and threatened to turn the school into a dictatorship if Golden Chopsticks wouldn’t deliver past 9 p.m. any longer. The administration quickly obeyed. George W. Bush ’64 He needs no explanation. It’s just the truth. No one brags about the Bushes going here anymore. Marty Fowler ‘73 Marty is the father of Features’ sensational freshman wrtier, Terrance Fowler ’10. He is reponsible for most of the ridiculous flying contraptions, such as giant flying wings made of metal, that appear in videos about the Wright Brothers.