EXETER, NH – In an astounding turn of events, newly hired PEAPS officer Tom Clancy announced Tuesday that campus legend “Wild Bill” would be released from his cage temporarily for the Exeter/Andover athletic contests. William “Wild Bill” MacGregor, now in the class of 2007, has attended Phillips Exeter since 1992, having never quite fulfilled the requirements necessary to graduate. It is speculated that he chooses to fail the mandatory swim test every year in order that he might spend another year at the Academy. Nurtured by anacondas in the Amazon, “Wild Bill” is not what one might consider a “normal” student. Until the age of nine, he foraged the dense foliage of Brazil for nuts and berries to survive. At nine, he trekked overland to the United States in search of a better education; his previous system had consisted of hurling feces at tree stumps and yelling a lot. After several years harvesting grapes and selling oranges under the freeway as an illegal migrant worker in southern California, Bill saved up enough money to afford the Exeter admissions application fee. Needless to say, his credentials were more than enough to warrant admission. Wild Bill first arrived on Exeter grounds in the fall of 1992. As a prep, Bill was rambunctious, disruptive and borderline insane. In one of his more memorable outbursts, Bill, prompted by his math teacher to write a problem on the board, swallowed his TI 93 Voyager + Silver Edition, slip cover and all. Although Bill was constantly in trouble, he became very popular amongst his classmates for his loveable antics and guttural ululations. On October 15, 1996, in Wild Bill’s first senior year, catastrophe struck. Confused by advertisements for “International Dinner” in the dining hall, Bill ate seven international students before PEAPS officer Rodney Farva subdued him with a horse tranquilizer. Farva proceeded to lock Bill in a cage in the Academy Library stacks, where he has made his home the last ten years. Bill’s presence is so commonplace at this point that one work duty involves feeding Bill gruel, rats, and hardtack twice weekly. When PEAPS officer Thomas Clancy discovered the inhumane living conditions faced by Wild Bill, he issued a public service announcement stating that he will release Bill from his cage this weekend. If Bill exhibits good behavior, PEAPS may consider giving him permanent liberation. No one is sure how Wild Bill will react to his newfound freedom. Sandy Beavertrap ’09 speculated, “My bet is that he heads straight to the football game and asks to try out. What better way to loose his pent-up aggression than on the playing field?” It is known that Wild Bill will not be released from his cage until he has arrived safely in Andover. Officer Clancy affirmed that Bill’s discharge coincides with Exeter/Andover weekend intentionally. “We’re going to get those Andover bastards this year,” said Clancy.
