The Eighth Page

Why Exeter Needs a Force Field

Last year, several students and parents petitioned the Board of Trustees to erect a giant concrete wall around Exeter to keep out possible security threats and unwanted visitors. The plan for the $17 million wall was approved, and construction is scheduled to begin this spring. Not only is this wall the biggest waste of money the school has ever approved, it is just plain stupid and unethical. This concrete wall will have no purpose but to serve as a symbol of the stupidity of Phillips Exeter Academy. That is why the board needs to throw away the idea of this concrete wall and replace it with a force field. Concrete is simply impractical, but a class L7 force field will protect the Exeter campus in ways that a concrete wall never could. Concrete is susceptible to many compromising factors that are eliminated when employing a force field. For example, say a terror cell was hired to kidnap several students of important social status to be held for ransom. The terrorists could use a simple C-4 explosive placed in a drainage ditch to infiltrate the campus, similar to the method used by the Uruk-hai when destroying the stone wall at Helm’s Deep. Then there is also the possibility of paratroopers, bombing raids and giant arachnid attacks. And I’m not even going to start talking about aliens. Last time I checked, space ships can fly over concrete walls. Where concrete fails, a force fields prevails. Not only are force fields impervious to explosions weaker than an atomic bomb, they also extend underground for several hundreds of yards. Force fields also allow things moving from inside the field to move outside completely unscathed. This would prevent the hassle of having to pas through the giant bronze gate as proposed in last year’s plan. Support for the force field has being growing steadily throughout campus. Republican Club has been at the forefront of the effort by raising funds and spreading the word about the impracticality of concrete. The Vulcan Club is planning to walk out of classes until the force field is activated. “I just don’t feel safe dude, like I dunno. What happens if some crazy dude from the Middle East decided to bomb Exeter so that America would have no future? How would concrete stop that, man? Just think about it. You know I’m, like, used to force fields; they’ve always been a part of my life at home. Students trying to study without a force field is like a chicken trying to lay an egg in the middle of a minefield,” said Vulcan Club advisor Dr. Spock ’71 B.C. The world is an increasingly dangerous place. Every day new wars are being waged. Every day democracy is destroyed in some unfortunate third world country. If we are truly destined to blossom into the future leaders of the world, we need to do it in a safe comfortable atmosphere.