The Eighth Page

Mathletes Caught Doping; Brain Steroids Cause Controversy

Several of Exeter’s star mathletes may face disqualification from the league and public flogging due to the alarmingly high number of anonymous doping allegations made across the league against them. After careful investigation, it is probable that the Math Club was obtaining arithmetic-performance-enhancing drugs from another hugely popular campus club, Science Club. Members of the Math team slapped with accusations were unavailable for comment on the controversy. If the five members are disqualified, it will be a huge hit to Exeter’s star lineup, which is bolstered this year by five talented PGs. The team has a strong legacy to maintain and will be forced to work even harder this season to compensate for the missing stars. Prospects for this year were very high. The team had taken first at the nationally televised Golden Calculator high-school series and at the IronMath trialthon, an event equally divided into three segments: complex analysis, four-dimensional calculus, and digits of pi. Said Coach Zheng Xiangji of the doping allegations, “I am exactly 87% sure that members of my team would not abuse illegal substances that are frowned upon amongst the math community. I will be examining our current workout plan and looking for areas that cause students excruciating hardship. Never in my career as Exeter’s math coach did I sponsor substance abuse.” With the Math Cup only a week away, the allegations are devastating to the Math Team. The team will be forced to bring a number of mediocre students off the bench. One of these students released the following statement through his frequently updated blog: “I am deeply saddened to hear my teammates decided to abuse drugs, but I will not let this affect my performance in the Math Cup. I could not imagine any better news than hearing I will not be forced into the dodgy ‘alternate’ position. I have not heard such great news since Barbara Streisand announced her 1999 world tour.” Sadly, that tour sold no tickets. At a Science Club meeting a few weeks ago, members were asked to engineer drugs that would increase brain power by at least 10%. After the end of their six-hour meeting, the students had developed a drug and conducted field testing of the drug on this year’s math postgraduates. The Math Club at Exeter is an extremely prestigious and smart group of young boys. (Bylaw I, Section I: Girls are proven to be unnecessary at Math Club due to the distraction they cause and their complete mental incapacity. Hence, females should not be part of Math Club.) Their sexist bylaws have caused some problems in the Exeter community, especially with the militant Female Supremacy Club. To prevent a campus civil war, Model U.N. club stepped in to mediate the rising conflict. They resolved that Math Club should amend their bylaws. In response, Math Club added Bylaw I, Section II: “Girls may join the club so long as their gender is undeterminable.” This satisfied the campus feminists and led them to back down and lower their arms. Exeter administration has warned the students that if they test positive for brain doping, appropriate disciplinary action will be taken against them. The administration’s greatest worry at this point is that all Exeter students will begin “smart doping” so they feel at least somewhat as competent as Phillips Academy Andover students. This fear has brought widespread panic across the Exeter faculty. If such a widespread doping sweeps campus, the deans will be required to expel every guilty student. Such a disaster would tarnish Exeter’s reputation permanently. What becomes of the allegations and the truth behind them will be better known after the review of the Anti-Doping Force in the Prep School Math League. Time will only tell what will become of Exeter and its legendary math squad, but as of now the future looks grim. More on this story as it becomes available.