Last summer Principal Tingley took on the Middle East crisis with the most classic Exeter problem-solver, the Harkness table. As he explained just before leaving for the trip, “Just as our proud Harkness table saved Andover students from eternal hellfire, so shall it save the Arabs once this Harkness Crusade is complete. There was no doubt, our oval table would save the Middle East just as it has saved other secondary schools.” His first stop was Israel, where Tingley contended the Harkness philosophy would help the Isreali government better communicate with Hezbollah and Hamas. Upon arriving, he went straight to Isreali Millitary Headquarters with his gang of carpenters. However, Tingley was stopped by an Isreali soldier and had difficulty explaining his endeavor, since he did not speak Hebrew. Thanks to the Harkness table, our Principal did not end up in an Isreali prison that day, which, as he reported, typically lack any sort of Student-Center. Tingley quickly ordered his crew of carpenters to build him a Harkness table, while the Isreali solider stood waiting. Only once it was completed could Tingley communicate with the solider, and, with the magic of the oval, explain his goal. The soldier was immediately struck by the power of the Harkness and offered to personally escort Tingley and his crew to the Israeli Military Headquarters. On the way, he asked Principal Tingley about the Harkness table, and all of its magic. As he explained to the soldier, “Millions of years ago Exeter students roamed their campus as you do now, confused from miscommunication. The only structure available to them was the gym, which was itself no more than a cold dungeon-cave, though it still stands today. But one day a tall man named Harkness had an idea. For the first time in human history, to put a table, a primitive type of furniture in the shape of an oval together, to create the mighty Harkness table. After that, things changed. The Harkness table slayed the mighty whale that had harassed our community and strung its rotting corpse up on a frame that would become our science building. With its own…legs…the Harkness built Exeter a shinny new student center, which has since lured prospective students to our school. However, most of all, the Harkness table facilitated communication between Exeter students, and ended years of math related violence. This is how I intend to help you,” he concluded. Once the group got to the headquarters, Tingley was taken to see the Prime Minster. But the prime minster did not understand how some prep school Principal was going to save his country, and so once again Tingley explained the story of the Harkness. Even upon hearing the story, though, the Prime Minister was still unconvinced. “What difference does it make wether or not the table is an oval or a circle or a rectangle,” he questioned, “as long as we can speak to each other? In fact, why do we need a table at all? Wouldn’t desks work equally well?” Tingley was shocked by the Prime Minister’s response, and knew immediately that he would need another Harkness table to explain the power of the oval. At once his crew got to work building another Harkness table, while the Prime Minister waited. When they were finally finished, the Prime Minster was stunned. A large oval table stood in his chambers, and he could sense its power. “How do I use it?” he asked. And Tingley responded “Sit down friend, and let the Harkness show you its wisdom.”
