The Eighth Page

Football Trounces Town Nine & Unders

This past Saturday, the Exeter Varsity Football team showed the world how football is really played. Facing cross-town rivals, the “Nine and Unders” team, the Exeter boys were ready for a challenge. The strong lead taken in the first quarter by the Nine and Unders was only stopped when Exeter’s starting tackle Frederick McPhilStevenson-O’Brian was able to make his first sack of his career. McPhilStevenson-O’Brian’s victim would have survived the blow, but as our sources told us, he was “seven years old”. Fortunately, Exeter does not respond excuses well. After McPhilStevenson-O’Brian was kicked out of the game, Exeter gained possession of the ball and ran for 534 yards in the next two downs. It took six small children to finally take down Exeter’s top running back, Thair Kapoorson. However, our sources tell us, that because Kapoorson cannot read, he was confused by the numbers on the field. He ran the ball up and down the field, not knowing where to score. Such tremendous endurance deserves recognition. Exeter scored, and took the extra point for a 7-6 lead. Exeter decided, against their better judgment, to keep Kapoorson on the field. He started the quarter confused, because he didn’t realize the end zones had changed. Standing in the middle of his own end zone, being yelled at by his coaches, Kapoorson was slowly taken down by eleven desperate Nine and Unders for a safety. Halftime gave the team a chance to regroup. After going over a new strategy for the game, the teams resumed their positions. The third quarter belonged to Exeter. The Nine and Unders were massacred. Nose bleeds, cries for mommies and wedgies ensued, and after ten minutes, Exeter football was up 28-12. By the fourth quarter, there were hardly enough Nine and Unders to make a full string. Exeter was exhausted. They had fought hard, and needed to get through the final quarter. The first five minutes were scoreless, until one Nine and Under, Henry Grafters ’15, made an amazing catch for a TD. With a missed kick, Exeter was only up 28 – 18. The Big Red prevailed, however, after Kapoorson got a second wind. He ran for 3 touchdowns in the final minutes of the game. Exeter won 49 – 18. The coaches say Kapoorson did it because of his training, the media say during halftime he studied which end of the field to score on, and others say that he must have “taken some steroids or something, because no one can throw a nine year old through a field goal from the 40 yard line.” Whatever the reason for Exeter’s enormous win, the team needs to look ahead to the end of the season. Final preparations need to be made for their game against Phillips Andover, and the team believes that they will be ready to put up a fight. As Kapoorson told us in his interview, “Heck, I done gone and studied the field. Did you know it’s 100 yards long? I counted ‘em. Betcha Andover kids don’t even know how long they field is. Dang. We in a good place, man.”