The Eighth Page

Boys Soccer Gets Makeover

In one of the most brilliant schemes in the history of Exeter athletic teams, the boys’ soccer team plans to defeat their Andover opponents with striking inseams. As a response to the distasteful, and so obviously untrue, cheer that that place-down-in-Massachusetts’ team is hotter, Captain Elmer Fudge ’07 has put together a team of players no more brilliant than Harry Potter. “Saying nothing of my boy-ish good looks, I believe this team has the potential to move up in the history books. That’s why I campaigned for these new warm-ups, because we’ll look good for all the Exonian close-ups,” claimed Fudge. The new attire looks something like kilts crossed with quilts. Although longer than the skirts worn by Paris Hilton ’00 at first glance, up close there is no chance. “They’re surprisingly warm,” explains newcomer “Smurf” Wrigley ’10. “When we walk onto the field, our opponents don’t know what to do. I believe one of the Penguins wet his pants, and he thought he looked so tough because he had a tattoo. I have one too, want to see it?” Not much more than a moderate season so far, and up against the potentially unbeatable Big Blue, Big Red looks to Wrigley to lead the team. Their crossover JV Mathlete coach is excited about his captain’s stroke of genius. When their equipment manager, who rides a really cool red tricycle, accidentally put the warm-ups out to be recycled, they were saved by bench boy Jay-Jay John-Paul Smith Michael ’08. Disaster averted. With the clear advantage in beauty at every baboon afternoon, and in addition to new clothing, all boys were treated by Pete Smith ’11 to a day at Patty-Anne-May’s beauty saloon. [Editor’s note: we are at this time required and being paid off by the Smith family to end all rumors that their little Pete-y Wete-y bought his way onto the team] We have from an inside source that each player now sports a French twirly mustache and has shaved their numbers on heads, but no one has seen any of the boys since they retreated to The Sheds. For the past week, they have partaken in the annual ritual of knotting threads. It is said to focus all energy and keep it within the jail compound, rather the campus. Through the slot under the door, the secret line-up for tomorrow’s competition was bought on the black market floor. No one knows what the coaches have called for. Nobody knows what to expect from the team. I think we need some Neapolitan ice cream. On a final note, “WHATEVER THE HECK YOU WANT HIM TO SAY WITHIN REASON” concludes Fudge. “Shhh! Be very quiet! I’m hunting wabbits!” Boys Soccer Lineup: Goal: Mini-Me Magoo ’10 On defense: Captain Fudge, Whipper Creamer ’07, and Beluga Cherry ’08 In the midfield: Pikachu Cheng ’07, Quentin Watson ’09, Rhymin’ Dog Dog ’08, and Wrigley Up top: Prince Scooby of Playboy ’07 and Peace Birchwood ’09 Somewhere on the field: Pete Smith ’11