This past week, a dark, ominous cloud slowly inched over the freshly dug gravesite of the recently departed Exeter Griffin. He was loved by all and was a very pretty, frolicky and prissy creature to say the least. He was a father of five, a believer in the fine arts, an advocate of child molestation and an ugly dog-like thing that looked nothing like a mythological creature. But most importantly, he was a friend. The name that was given to this valiant beast at birth is officially notated in Wikipedia as Lion Rampant. Webster’s Dictionary defines the word “lion” as a large, heavily built social cat and the word “rampant” as rearing upon the hind legs with forelegs extended. And there is no doubt that all of us can build the familiar image of our very own heavily built social cat standing up on two legs. What a sight he was to see, often magically taking his head off and replacing it with a human’s. It’s as almost as if he was an actual Exeter student of whom we all knew the identity of. Exeter Principal Tyler C. Tingley, commented on the mascot’s death. “Lion Rampant was very close to my heart indeed,” Tingley stated, while scratching his rear end. “His presence often gave me a tingly feeling in my body. Get it? It’s a play on words. My last name is Tingley. Man, I gotta write that down. Wait ‘til the boys over at the bar hear this one.” The funeral procession took place last Sunday and was generally peaceful in nature. However, feelings of hatred and anger began to emerge throughout the Exeter community, for this was no accidental death. The terrible truth is that our Lion Rampant had been brutally murdered by a common garden-variety basilisk. A basilisk, for those who have been living under a rock these past few years, is a big, meanie-faced snake thing. The basilisk can supposedly “kill upon contact,” which is coincidentally the expression used to described the body odor of many Exeter students. The Exeter administration has been recently been under attack by the furious student body. In hindsight, many students feel that the death could possibly have been prevented. Sean Beckett ’08, who is currently enrolled in Parseltongue-200, was recently reported as going on a hunger strike for the cause. “There were tons of signs that predicted the murder of Lion Rampant,” Beckett stated. “What about the writing on the wall? You know, ‘THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED. ENEMIES OF THE BIG BLUE, BEWARE.’ And all of those petrified students, I mean, the administration had just casually swept the corpses under the rug, literally.” In response to the murder, local professional detective and resident wizard, Gilderoy Lockhart, has been called onto the scene to investigate further. Lockhart’s main lead is the infamous He-who-must-not-be-named, under the fake name of Tom Riddle. Lockhart has reported that Riddle can control the basilisk with his insane magical powers and evilness in general. It has later been found that after attending the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, the present Dark Lord had enrolled in a post-graduate year at Phillips Exeter. He was captain of the varsity mathletics’ team and star of Exeter’s ballet program. Another one of Lockhart’s suspects is the student community of Exeter’s rival school, Phillips Academy Andover. “I wouldn’t put it past them. Andover has been known to make fun of our students’ rainbow suspenders and matching bowties,” Head of School Tingley said. “They’ve even ridiculed my TI-83+ millennium edition, with 4 more Gigs of RAM.” The Phillips Andover community made this statement in response: “Harry Potter is not real.” Upon hearing this, Tingley began to cry and immediately called an emergency all-school meeting to inform the student body of the horrible news.
