The Eighth Page

Bruce Mansfield Applies for a Job: The Interview

Interviewer: Hi, Bruce. Have a seat. Bruce: Thanks. I made some long distance calls in the waiting room, is that alright? Interviewer: Well, yes I suppose that’s alright. So, tell me about yourself, Bruce. Bruce: Well I used to work for GenCorp, and before that I was with Marcus & Williams for about- Interviewer: I’ve got your resumé right here Bruce. I want to know more about you away from your work. Bruce: I’d much rather talk about work. I made flashcards of possible interview questions, and they all had to do with work. Interviewer: What do you do with your free time away from work? Bruce: Um, how about: What is your favorite time to have lunch at work? Interviewer: Bruce, I’m going to ask the questions. Please just answer as best you can. Bruce: The answer is noon. Interviewer: Alright. Would you say you work well with others? Bruce: How many others? Interviewer: I don’t know, maybe five. Bruce: Well, five’s a lot. That’s too many. Interviewer: Okay then. Let’s move on. What do you bring to the workplace? Bruce: What do I bring? Well, I usually bring a briefcase. But I don’t keep anything in it, it’s for show. Just like this one. Oh, sometimes I bring my own coffee. I make it at home and put it in a Starbucks cup. Interviewer: I was talking more about personal attributes. Bruce: Oh right, I thought that was a weird question. I really hadn’t been asked that one at any of the other interviews I’ve been at this week. I guess I’m a hard worker, you know? Not exactly a hard worker in a physical sense. Last year, I had to build a tree house for my son, and instead of building it, I told him that the tree in the backyard wasn’t safe. Interviewer: So you avoid work with excuses? Bruce: Well- Interviewer: Tell me about why you think you’d be a good fit here, Bruce. Bruce: At my last job, at GenCorp, people just didn’t understand me. This seems like such a warm, welcoming environment. I know I will be productive, and happy at this company. Interviewer: Bruce, are you reading your hand? Bruce: Yes. Interviewer: I’ll just skip a few questions here. Okay. Tell me about your educational background. Bruce: Sure, but first, is it alright if I throw away my Band-Aid? I’ve had it on for about a week now, and it’s just not doing anything anymore. It’s just so dirty and loose- Interviewer: Yes, please just throw it away. Bruce: Education, right. Well, I graduated from high school and went on to college. In high school I was known as the Mongoose. That’s on the resumé right there, actually. See it? Yeah, the Mongoose. Interviewer: Yes, I see it. Bruce: Don’t you just wish you could go back to high school and just… Interviewer: Is this anything else you’d like me to know about yourself? Bruce: I asked your secretary out there on a date. Interviewer: That’s my niece. Bruce: Yes, she told me. Interviewer: Well, Bruce I think I’ve learned enough about you today. Thanks for coming in. Bruce: Anytime. We’ll let you know. Interviewer: I’m actually supposed to say that. Bruce: Great.