The Eighth Page

Guinness Book of World Records: Presented By The Feech

Everyone is familiar with the Guinness Book of World Records, the bet-settling mass of impressive notches on the human belt of accomplishment. But does anyone really take the time to carefully read this testament to mankind’s triumphs? In order to save my readers the time and effort of buying the book, admiring its glossy cover and reading it, I’ve compiled a brief synopsis of some of the book’s most fascinating records. Most veterinarians involved in one operation: On June 29, 1978, 27 veterinarians performed the first elephant circumcision. Most confused group of people: The studio audience at the Tracy Morgan Show. Tallest horse: Sadly, Kazam, the world’s tallest horse was killed when his roofless trailer went under a highway overpass, and Kazam’s soaring head proved to be no match for a pedestrian walkway. Youngest television host: Luis Tanner hosted “Cooking with Luis” when he was six years old. The show was canceled after a nasty contract dispute between Luis and the show’s producers. Greatest distance traveled on a Pogo stick: Damien Furman went all the way back to the 1950s, when Pogo sticks were popular and he still had his hair. Fastest time to push an orange one mile with your nose: Unknown. Everyone, including the official Guinness timer, left about ten seconds into Tim Baldwin’s attempt. Most plastic surgery: Formerly the #1 underwear model in Southeast Asia, Dick Cheney has had over 300 cosmetic procedures. Highest jump by a pig: Half an inch, when an open flame was lit underneath his hind legs. Longest kiss: 30 hours between Nina Jones and Tim Rafferty. It resulted in the first STD transmitted through kissing. Most pull ups in one hour: 837, by Adam Ferguson, the Nebraskan native with a ripped upper body and no legs. First circumnavigation of the world: In 1522, an expedition led by Ferdinand Magellan was the first to circumnavigate the globe. This is a tough record to break. Oldest tennis ball boy: Sid “The Kid” Rottenburg. He remembers wooden racquets and the Boer War. Highest stairway: (Please see Most Overplayed Rock Song or Led Zeppelin.) Most expensive private yacht: $135 million. Belongs to Donald Trump, who had the plush seats made from former models’ smooth skin and plasma televisions coated in silky layers of actual human plasma. Most swear words in a #1 single: @#$% that @#$%!%ing %$#@ Twice, by John Mayer. Least albums ever sold: Steve Bartz’s debut album, “This Is Me.” Most chainsaws juggled: Eight, by Bill “No Limbs” McKaffery. Most expensive painting sold: A deranged hobo who did caricatures in a town square sold the Mona Lisa to Leonardo Da Vinci for 750 liras. He also gave Da Vinci designs for a flying carriage, propelled not even by horses. Least popular magazine: Flex Magazine, where you can find great pictures and stories about everyone’s favorite pastime, professional bodybuilding. First test of a laser weapon: Shaun Williams, at age 17, first used a “laser weapon” at a movie theater, accidentally killing an usher. Since then, the ushers had taken an oath to “avenge their fellow usher’s death by confiscating all laser weapons found in theaters.” Largest collection of model cars: Michael Warfield, age 38, has over 2,300 model cars in his collection. His proud mother says, “I hope he moves out of the house very soon.” If you’d like to dispute or beat any of the listed Guinness World Records, contact company president Mark Butkis at