The Eighth Page

Proposed Shows

Recently, the Fox Corporation has been sifting through ideas for the premise of what will be their new reality television show for the 2007 season. The final candidates have been carefully selected from a slew of bad storylines and setups, and are now undergoing the final selection process. This process is a complicated one, but the gist of it is that the people at Fox put a dozen monkeys in a room together with the proposals laid out on a table, and which ever one gets the least monkey drool on it after an hour is chosen. Here are the final candidates, just before being sent into their final test: 1. “The People’s Court: Vengeance” In this revised version of The People’s Court, the convicted do not pay monetary fines. Instead, they are rolled up in a carpet, and are trampled by horses, old style. The number of horses used is relative to the degree of crime (i.e. stolen television = 1 horse, killed neighbor’s dog = 3 horses). If it was good enough for the Ancient Mongols, it’s good enough for Fox T.V. 2. “Life Swap.” In this show, we take a real live person and an inanimate object and trade their places! Next week, an accountant will trade places with a rock. Nothing will change. 3. “The Apprentice: Michael Jackson.” A new spin off of “The Apprentice,” contestants compete for a spot as Mr. Jackson’s newest trainee. The contestants live at the Neverland Ranch over the two months the show runs. Apply only if male and under the age of 13. 4. “Pimp My Bride:” Some fools they want their ladies lookin’ fly, so they hit up some brothas ta get it done. They ride up befo y’alll can holla back and buy some hoppin’ dresses fo the bride to pick from. It’s tight like that. Aight? 5. “So You Think You Can Joust.” The finest jousters in the land are brought together to enlighten the celebrities you didn’t know existed in this forgotten art involving horses, lances, and helmets. If ye cannot parry, then ye need not bring a rapier for the after-party festivities. 6. “Near-Sighted Eye for the Far-Sighted Guy.” This one got the most monkey drool on it. 7. “Mel’s Kitchen.” Host and Master Chef Mel Gibson is each contestant’s ticket to success, as long as he/she is not Jewish, English, or homosexual. You must also beat Mr. Gibson in a drinking contest in which he decides the rules. 8. “The Biggest Gainer.” If you’re overweight, you’re going places. Shedding pounds is out of the question. Go ahead, eat that extra slice of pie. Down two or three more Slurpees. Your stomach fat is going nowhere. 9. “Monk’d!.” A show about bringing people back down to Earth, the Monk’d! guys meditate for an hour on a different celebrity each week and about how much of a meany each one is with all their money and stuff. Much like Ashton Kutcher’s Punk’d!, but way nastier. 10. “Car Racing.” You watch people drive around in circles for hours on end until someone finally reaches around 500 hundred laps or so. Sounds pretty pointless, right? I mean, who on earth would watch a show like that? C’mon, seriously guys. Oh, wait…never mind. 11. “Electric Shaver of Love.” In this spin-off of “Flava of Love,” Flava Flav is replaced by an electric shaver. 20 women try out the electric shaver, and the shaver picks the legs it likes best. Somewhat more realistic of a show than watching Flava Flav try to choose just one “biddy.” I mean, seriously. 12. “Beer Factor.” A selection of people gather for an hour of binge drinking. Last one to pass out wins another beer. 13. “Bread Knife Swap.” Each week, two new contestants swap bread knives. In this take-off of the take-off “Life Swap,” drama, hilarity, and tear-jerking boredom ensue. 14. “Survivor: Darfur.” This one speaks for itself. CBS takes it one more step too far.