The Eighth Page

Rejected Commons Renovation Plans

After much deliberation, the PA Board of Trustees has finally come to a consensus on the long-awaited Commons renovation plan. The board has opted to go with Plan C, which includes construction of a useless meeting place for students and faculty, new shiny toys for the kitchens, and the addition of approximately three square feet to the Ryley Room. Plan C was narrowly chosen over a large amount of other blueprints and ideas that have been conveniently compiled in an alphabetical sequence below. Plan D: This plan would follow a very similar procedure to that of the renovation of the memorial bell tower that took place last year. The primary step of this new renovation would be to completely demolish the entire Commons building. The building would then be built back up to look exactly the same as it did before, thus accomplishing basically nothing. One might ask: why would the Board of Trustees ever choose this plan? Because they can. That’s why. Plan E: Unlike many of the other proposed renovation plans, this plan would not alter the structure of the Commons building in any way, shape, or form. Instead, the renovation would take effect by increasing the quality of food that the Commons staff would serve to PA students. Plan E is perhaps one of the most radical ideas put in motion that this academy has seen in a long, long time. Some new dishes that would be prepared include filet mignon, shrimp cocktail, caviar, and hors d’oeuvres. Unfortunately, sources tell us that hors d’oeuvres don’t actually have anything to do with French women. This sudden realization resulted in an overall negative attitude towards Plan E. It has also been reported that the act of Commons serving edible food to students directly conflicts with our school’s constitution. Plan F: This plan would involve the conversion of the lower left and right dining halls to a Student Activity Center. The faculty mailboxes would then be moved into the upper dining halls. The administration favored this plan because it would force even more student-teacher interaction and would therefore logically boost students’ SAT scores. With this new renovation, students would be jumping at the idea of hanging out with their teachers, whom they only get to see during classes, sports, club meetings, campus activites, off-campus events, dances, dorm activities, advising meetings, etc., which only account for 23 hours of every day. Distribution and service of all meals would then be moved into the two available classrooms located in Bulfinch Hall. Plan F was quite close to being executed, and would have been if it weren’t for the fact that 100% of the student body did not approve of it. It is commonly agreed that Plan F, like communism, would have backfired because the creators of this scheme did not factor common sense into the master plan. Plan G: Proposed by the PA Commons Workers’ Union, Plan G was a bold attempt at human rights for the huddled masses of the kitchen staff. The original plan involved increased wages, cleaner facilities, and a donkey piñata that was to be hung in the basement every Friday. The Union also demanded that the giant plasma screen located in Ryley would be set to the Telemundo network during all hours of the day. Plan G was quickly shot down by the administration, which resulted in a revolution amongst the workers’ union. A barrage of orange beef, lemon chicken, apple French toast, and leftover cannoli’s from last week’s Italian night was seen bombarding Headmaster Barbara Chase’s house on Main Street. It was later reported that a large mass of what appeared to be freshmen were found feeding on the leftovers from the attack. I suppose freshmen need their sustenance too. The revolt of the Commons Worker’s Union proved to be ineffective, and the majority of the members’ responses can be summarized in one particular chef’s comment: “Soy muy furioso!” Plan H: The Commons building would be turned into an exact replica of Neverland Ranch. Decked out with petting zoos and amusement park rides, the new Commons would be the ideal place to hang out on the weekends. Jackson’s own loving companion, Bubbles the chimp, would be chained to a wall in the lobby, greeting everyone that came for a visit. The revamped Ryley room would be designated as off limits for any males over 10 years old or any females at all, mainly because of all of the wondrous surprises that wait inside.