The Eighth Page

Cuthell on Commans

Drastic changes have been made to the food service at Commons since last year. The most notable of these changes are more stylish menus in Commons, a more stylish menu online, larger cups in select dining halls, cake cones for ice cream, and, thanks to a generous contribution from the alumni, a series of more inconvenient toasters. The greatest change to take place, however, was announced on Thursday: current Head Chef in Commons Michael Halk will be returning to the North Andover Psychiatric Institute and will be replaced by Pierre Lombard. Phillipian News asked for the interview but Features won it in a boxing match after David Curtis ’07 KOed the news director in the third round. Features presents an interview with the new Head Chef in Commons, Pierre Lombard. Phillipian: Mr. Lombard, thank you for taking the time to do this interview, and on behalf of the Andover community, welcome to our school. We understand that you have been cooking from a very young age. Could you tell us more? Pierre Lombard: Thank you very much. Yes, it is true that I have been cooking for a long time. As a young boy growing up in a small village south of Paris, I had always dreamt of being a chef. Before the war, my father had been one of the most accomplished chefs in Paris. After the war, he married my mother, a Parisienne, but with his restaurant destroyed he chose to move out of the city. His culinary skills remained intact, however, and steadily improved as time went on. He opened a small restaurant in the country, and enjoyed immense success. It was at this time that my mother began eating his food, and within a year her colossal appetite had put my father out of business. At 275 kg, she looked like the love child of Rosie O’Donnell and a grizzly bear. Phillipian: Rosie O’Donnell? G-Ross. What happened then? Pierre Lombard: My father knew he had created a monster, and swore he would never cook again. I was born into a ruined family, with a mother who often stole our food as the rest of us went hungry, and a father driven insane by his obese spouse. Night and day we would see him in the backyard chasing gnomes we could neither hear nor see. I vowed to carry on his culinary legacy and began cooking secretly, under the porch, where my mother couldn’t fit. Phillipian: Incredible. How did you manage to make it to the Untied States? Pierre Lombard: After I established a firm culinary base, I opened a restaurant in Paris. Unfortunately, I was poor, a little too poor to buy the food I needed to prepare the meals for the restaurant. The authorities had no sympathy for my cause, and, after a few of my restaurant’s patrons passed away from organ failure, they shut down the restaurant for health code violations and charged me with sixteen counts of manslaughter. It was ridiculous, I know. I beat the rap by fleeing to Massachusetts and went to the place where I knew no one would look for me. Phillipian: The Peabody Museum? Pierre Lombard: No, but close. I arrived in Lawrence, Massachusetts with a few francs, a bottle of wine, and the clothes on my back. Fortunately this made me three times wealthier than the average resident, and I managed to trade the wine for a three room apartment and made my way to the employment agency. Phillipian: And it was there that they referred you to Andover? Pierre Lombard: No, the employment agency had gone out of business years ago. Instead, I met a nice man named William Cannon who informed me that your school needed a new chef. Phillipian: What a sweetheart. Mr. Lombard, are there any special meals that we can look forward to? Pierre Lombard: No, I am under explicit instructions to change only the names of the food, not the food itself. Inaccurate, fancy French names will be replacing the current inaccurate names. For example, Muffeleta Sandwiches will become Pâte crue fraîche, vieille sauce cuite, Baked Haddock will be replaced by bijoux du Merrimack, and beef with broccoli will be changed to merde et vert. Even a meal like Enchilada Casserole will receive a new name like La colère et vos entrailles. Phillipian: Sounds delicious. Mr. Lombard, thank you for your time, and may I say how impressed I am of you mastery of the English language after only a few short weeks in the United States. It is an honor to have you here, even if the French are chicken hearted freedom haters. Pierre Lombard: Merci beaucoup, mon petit chouchou.