The Eighth Page

Trading, Straight From the Underground

Contrary to popular belief, I am actually a fiscal prodigy. I was the first person in United States history to turn a total net worth of 5 food stamps into the multi-billion dollar media company known as Le Cannon inc. However, monetary issues are not as simple to some people as they are to me. Not everyone in this world is imbued with the natural ability to create green backs, hence my associate editors have asked me to summarize how I obtained such prosperity. A normal investor will tiptoe through the tulips buying and selling stock, putting money in fixed annuities, or purchasing Treasury bonds. Some will even go through the hassle of buying real estate to build up a nest egg through which they can enjoy the fruits of a comfortable retirement. However if you have ADHD and wish to make an enormous amount of money in a small amount of time, you should erase the words “stock” and “investment” from your vocabulary. The secret to making any real money is commerce, more specifically, underground commerce. Trading within the limits of the law is full of red tape and taxes, and yields only a small amount of profit. When one cannot work with the law, one must go around the law. I stumbled onto an amazing discovery the fall of my junior year: squirrels. In the island nation of Japan, pet squirrels actually fetch a high price; the furry little acorn munchers are not native to the country. Hence, I began to catch squirrels. However shipping fees and miscellaneous cost only provide a small profit, I then did the only thing a man seeking a lot of money can do: go underground. I hired a Cuban named Rrramone, who specialized in transcontinental transport. And instead of paying him with my own money I paid with the Kavorkian method of finance, which is just stealing credit cards from the elderly. I found potential buyers through the World of Warcraft forum website, which is actually an underground market for the Japanese Yakuza. Since the product cost nothing initially to produce, I made a huge profit within a matter of weeks. By the end of my first month in the business , my profit had yielded 7 billion yen, or $100 U.S. The profit only got exponentially larger, and by the end of my first year I had broken $100 million. Once you raised enough money to comfortably appear on MTV’s Cribs, you can then begin investing your fortune.