The Eighth Page

Life in Stuart: Moving to an Upperclassmen Dorm

Dear Diary, Living in an upperclassmen dorm can be very intimidating at first, just like that extraneous amount of hair on your girlfriend’s upper lip. But once you get the feel of how things work, you’ll be loving your new dorm, and shaving off your girlfriend’s wispy ‘stache in no time. For most lowers, the transition between our old freshmen dorms and our new homes amongst the upperclassmen has been unsettling. Why, just last weekend I found myself wandering the halls of Rockwell and ended up in my old room. Imagine how surprised the kid who lives there now must have been when he came back and found that I had moved all of his furniture back to the exact same setup I had it last year. Not to mention the fact that I torched all his textbooks and personal belongings with my Charizard’s Flamethrower Attack (Editor’s Note: Lawrence loves Pokemon, even though we’re pretty sure it stopped being cool about seven years ago. Although, we will admit nothing can beat a Charizard Attack). But I know that I have to accept the fact that my innocent days in Rockwell are over, and that I must be strong enough to move on with the rest. Through the hell they call the All-School Housing Lottery, I was placed in Stuart Hall, along with the other half of the freshmen guys who didn’t get into the dorm they wanted to. Allow me to just clarify something before I say anything else: It really doesn’t smell that bad in Stuart. OK, I’ll admit the stairwells can be odorous at times, but once the smell creeps into your room and you start smelling like the dorm too, it all seems normal. At least we don’t live in Flagg House. The best part about Stuart is that we live in a piece of modern art. Try to figure out what that giant mural in our common room is a picture of. I dare you. Countless hours have been spent on pondering, and the results are always inconclusive and incoherent. We are also conveniently located right in the middle of the woods, so whenever we feel like having a lumberjack competition (a lumberjack-off) we just throw on some ugly flannel shirts, hike up our rugged jeans, tighten our suspenders, and simply step out into our backyard. In addition to all this, we also have a piece of abstract art in the shape of a cylinder that spins around when it’s windy. I call it a Windlinder. Others call it art. Who else has got one of those? Well I can tell you who doesn’t, the freshmen dorms. What now class of ’10? Whatchu gonn’ do about it? I’m not an expert on the most of other upperclassmen dorms, but one of the bathrooms in Stuart has a bathtub. And I have officially made it my goal to take a bath sometime this year in that bathtub. Sure, it’s pretty dirty and old, and some forest animal seems to have claimed it for its home, but I know my bare behind will touch that smooth porcelain before the year runs out. I know what you’re saying. Ewwww. That’s what you’re saying. But once I go down to CVS and find a plug for that porcelain baby, it’ll be time to break out the relaxation candles and the bubble bath and feel the rush against me. The overall experience of living in closed quarters along with uppers, seniors, and PG’s is worth having in its entirety. Without Stuart, I would have never have seen so much back hair in my life. I wouldn’t have ever experienced the feeling of true love if I had still lived in Rockwell. Or the feeling of losing that love to the PG down the hall that could eat you in one sitting. I never would have seen about two gallons of water fall through the skylight in my room and onto my bed. In short, I never would have lived to see the liver spots form on my chest. -Larry