The Eighth Page

How to Get Rich

Greetings Andover students. My name is Steve Kim, and I’m so rich I could buy you and your entire family. Twice. Before you go onto say “Oh, he’s just another spoiled rich kid flaunting daddy’s money,” I would like to say that you are wrong. Sure my Dad owns some large Korean company, but I made my own personal fortune the old fashioned way: insider trading. I am the reason you are not allowed to run a business on campus, or have a 42 inch computer monitor. But what you may not realize is that by following my investment tips, anyone can get rich. Even you. Unless you’re Jared Cheatham ’07. Tough break, J-Diddy. FUN: The market of fun, much like the drug market, sees a lot of fluctuation. Prices can bottom out as an abundance of fun floods the market. Similarly, fun-raids, better known as room searches, can lead to DCs which practically deplete the fun supply. Right now the market is still cheap due to summer exploits, but the tell-tale signs of a spike in prices like Marlys emails and Ryley dances encourage me to say BUY. STANDARDS: This was one of the hot options over the summer. Between new students, used to the good looking people of the real world, and returning students, remembering that there are good looking people in the real world, consequently people have invested heavily in standards. Bad news, people: this year, standards will get you nowhere. Just ask Steve Blackman ’07, who is currently dating Chewbacca. Suck it up, take one for the team, and SELL. SNAKES: No questions asked. I’m tired of people not having motherf*ing snakes in their motherf&*#ing stock portfolios! BUY, motherf#*&er! FRESHMEN: Forget what you learned in American history class. Slavery was not abolished. At the start of a new school year, it never hurts to buy a few shares, and by shares I mean freshmen. Ms. Edwards opens the markets from 10-11 PM on Friday nights, so go out there and get one or two. Their jokes may be lame, they may hold up lines for the toasters in Commons, they might make you ashamed to be at the same school as them, and many are highly illegal. But let’s face it, they are easy to make fun of, and worst comes to worst, they make for a great winter coat. BUY. DIGNITY and SELF-ESTEEM (Inc.): If you don’t have any shares of this company, you’re fine. If you do, get rid of them. They’re pretty much worthless to you now anyway. SELL. [Dave Cuthell actually wrote this article, but he’s rightfully ashamed to be associated with it. – Ed.]