Recent scheduling changes to the academic calendar have spurred much discussion and debates over the past few months. While some changes, such as the addition of 10 days of school to the academic calendar, have received plenty of publicity, others have gone largely unnoticed. The administration has recently released a report that outlined one of its least well known proposals. Starting in the 2007-2008 school year, Phillips Academy the academic calendar will be augmented by three extra months of study following the current spring trimester. In other words, they have gotten rid of the what some students refer to as “summer vacation.” The faculty has agreed to separate these three months of classes into a whole new academic term, cleverly named S.U.M.M.E.R., the term for the Study and Understanding of Mankind’s Most Evasive Rapists. “It all really started back when we were trying to adjust the schedule to meet the present needs of both students and faculty,” said one teacher who chose to remain anonymous. “It eventually evolved to the point where we had to schedule classes around each faculty member’s personal vacation schedule, and even their menstrual cycles. But eventually we came to a consensus on one plan in particular that just really seemed like the worst possible idea for our students.” “Kids were always complaining about the shortness of their breaks,” says a leading faculty advocate of the new schedule change, “So we just basically came up with this crazy idea to get rid of the summer break altogether. I think I came up with it when I was watching that Disney movie based on the television show, Recess, where that guy tried to get rid of summer vacation. It was like 3:00 am and I was just like totally out of it. But I got some advice for you man, whatever you do, do not mix commons food with bear tranquilizer.” But perhaps one of the most dramatic changes to the curriculum here at Andover will be the addition of a whole new term to the current one year courses. “You’ve heard about the 800 pound gorilla that we like to call History 300. Well imagine that gorilla on steroids with four extra arms, laser vision, and rabies. Screw Gunga, this is what education’s going to be like from now on,” said one history professor. Sources say that feelings among the student body varied from person to person and these sources were later confirmed saying that everyone hated the idea except for a number of day students who would enjoy having friends during the summer to keep them company on lonely, dark nights. The only obvious benefit emerging from this new schedule change is the addition of a summer sports program. It will feature a brand new beach volleyball team. Reports from the Athletic Department have already told us that our recruiters are busy scouting the hottest babes- I mean, most talented female athletes- all over the country to attend the Academy and represent Andover on the playing field, or as the recruiters have said, “Flaunt it.”
