Welcome to the Features Section. You have just wandered into the home of hard-hitting reporting, in depth coverage and whimsical satire. As you read on, you’ll understand our slogan, “A Good Chunk of the News That’s Fit to Print.” To best describe to the newest members of Andover’s student body what the Features Section really is, I find it fitting to describe what the Features Section is not. The Features Section is not respectable journalism. (Our lawyers advised us to mention that, right of the bat. And then, heeding their own advice, told us they weren’t real lawyers) The Features Section is not an Irishman. It will not get drunk at your dinner party and knock out the caterer in one punch. The Features Section is not David Ortiz. We do not have heart palpitations. The Features Section is not a good source of antioxidants. We are often confused with red wine. The Features Section is not my abusive and overly competitive father figure from the Big Brothers & Sisters program. It will not complain that you “can’t beat it in a race.” The Features Section is not a quick way to grow hair on your legs. While this may seem like a comforting fact for our female readers, it continues to provide me with a great deal of frustration (I shaved my legs once, when I was eleven, and the hair never grew back). The Features Section is not community service. Most would agree that it’s the exact opposite. The Features Section is not a legally licensed blood donation center. Yet, we still offer a cookie for each pint. O Negatives are in short supply. The Features Section is not a place to meet local singles for fun, flirty chat, although we do advertise regularly on late night television channels. The Features Section is not upset if you start every paragraph with the exact same words. The Features Section is not, as an old legend describes, responsible for the construction of the infamous penis statue in front of Samuel Phillips Hall. It is however, responsible for all immature conversations relating to the penis statue. The Features Section is not surprised by Lance Bass’ announcement this summer. He had already told us. The Features Section is not a way to make money working from home. There is no evidence of earning up to $20,000 in their first month alone. Results are typical. TFS (The Features Section) is not a foot insert that will alleviate your knee and lower back pain. The Features Section is not good at making speeches at awards ceremonies. This is why we have not been given any awards. A nomination would be nice. The Features Section is not the Commentary Section. People like to read us. The Features Section is not a licensed minister, but we have performed over a dozen weddings. The Features Section is not seeing anyone. But we heard the Living Arts Section was interested. The Features Section is not where readers will find stories about All School Meeting. Unlike the News Section, we realize that you were there. The Features Section is not Katie Couric. We would never ditch Roker and Anne Curry. Not even for a night with Soledad O’Brien. The Features Section is not a place to steal office supplies. You’re probably thinking of the faculty offices in Gelb. Now that you are well informed about the basics of the Features Section, I encourage you to read on… at least for the next few weeks. After that, you will probably find the jokes crass and repetitive.
