Q: Bartz, how can I get fit for my fall sport after I got so out of shape this summer? A: There has been no better guide for my lifestyle than The New Encyclopedia of Modern Bodybuilding: The Bible of Bodybuilding, Fully updated and Revised by the man himself, Arnold Schwarzenegger (yes, I had to look up how to spell his name on Google) and Bill Dobbins. The first step to getting back in shape is to purchase this book, read it like scripture, and buy an ample supply of steroids. Unfortunately, scientists haven’t perfected the biochemistry of steroids enough to where working out is no longer necessary. I’d research up on it a little bit, but there is a dangerous alternative, blowing yourself up with a “gamma bomb.” If you don’t where to find one of these, don’t look for them in Iraq, trust me, just contact Al-Qaeda. This method was perfected by a nuclear physicist, Dr. Robert Bruce Banner. However, you probably know him by the name of The Incredible Hulk. By the way, don’t see that movie. I watched it this summer, total crap. If you prefer, to get fit the old-fashioned way, instead of the MLB way, I have a few suggestions. For running, I have found no better trail than the circumference of Nathan Hale. I suggest bringing a camcorder with you, whenever and wherever you run to keep sort of a video fitness diary. Of course you can just run laps in the sanctuary, but watch out for serial rapists. To build strength, I default to my five page fitness plan I made in PHED-100 and the wise words of Arnold. If you use the weight room at school, be sure to put on your cool, tough guy face and make loud grunting noises as you lift. A lot of sweat helps, too. Auf wiedersehen, Bartz
