The Eighth Page


If you are at a loss for what to do this summer, you may wish to consider traveling to the fantastic island of Formosa, where cheap beer flows like the waters of the Yellow River, and the myriad women flock like it’s a Filene’s Basement clearance sale. Take advantage of our romantic beaches, or perhaps visit one of our “floating brothels” and enjoy yourself just out of reach of the Taiwanese Coast Guard. Absorb the picturesque setting of our villages, the modernity of Taipei, or the quaint countryside sweatshops of multinational conglomerates. Feeling thrifty? Pick up a brand-new laptop or a pair of brand-name running shoes for next to nothing, and learn about the virtues of one of man’s oldest industries: child labor. Feeling audacious? Appeal to your sense of danger by leaving yourself exposed to an amphibious PLA invasion, or perhaps even to a nuclear attack, should Hu Jintao feel adequately grumpy about our failure to adhere to the “One China, Two Systems” plan. Feeling quixotic? Purchase a mail-order bride for whom you have an insatiable lust, but whom you cannot bring yourself to touch, given your mother’s advice that “you don’t know where that’s been.” Women, cheap electronics, and imminent Chinese invasion are far from the only perks that Taiwan has to offer. However, to best appreciate our beautiful little nation (though the rest of the world does not recognize us as such), you will have to experience us yourself.