The Eighth Page

Memoirs of a Male Geisha

“Please hand over the boy now and we won’t press charges.” This was scribbled on the note I found under my door this morning. In an instant, I leapt up and rushed to check on Fernando. Phew. I took a deep breath of relief. His precious body lay there, safely tucked away in the fuzzy yellow blanket that I myself had grown up with. He looked so innocent, just lying there in that wicker basket filled with soiled laundry. It was right then when I decided that I was destined to keep this boy safe, and someday, train him to become a prominent male geisha, just like me. Now, I should probably explain myself at this point because there’s much more to this story than you might think. It all really started about a week ago when I ordered a large steak & cheese sub from King’s. I received the phone call and ran down to the door, only to find no one there. I looked down on that dark, rainy night, and saw one of those cliché straw baskets at my doorstop. Now that I look back on that moment I realize that I should have stopped myself right there. However, at the time, I didn’t know what the consequences of my actions would be. I reached inside this basket and pulled out a soft, warm object wrapped in a fuzzy blanket. And as I sunk my teeth into the tender meat, I willingly admit that it was the one of the most delicious things known to mankind. Large steak & cheese is the way to go. Oh yeah and like two hours before that moment I had agreed to take this poor little albino child off the streets and into my dorm room to shelter him from his abusive aunties. The boy told me what his birth name was but I really didn’t care so I decided to call him Fernando. The first thing I noticed about Fernando wasn’t his pale white skin, or his piercing pink eyes. No, none of his albino human characteristics struck me as unusual. As a matter of fact, what really struck me about Fernando was his ability to flip his eyelids inside out. I thought that was the coolest thing ever. And then it hit me. The sudden impact of Fernando’s vomit knocked me off balance into the hallway. But with the half digested food, came an idea: his uncanny eyelid-flipping gift could very well entertain my guests in the male geisha business. For those of you who have the idea that geishas are Japanese prostitutes, I can tell you that you are not well-read, for the definition of geisha is a Japanese woman who will charge men money for sexual intimacy. However, few know about the arduous journey of the male geisha. Male geishas do not prostitute themselves, but rather entertain others in a charming fashion. In today’s Western world, the demand for male geishas has decreased by a significant amount and to this day, I am one of the elite few that still exists. After deciding on attending this quaint little New England school, I informed the admissions office about my rare gifts and they had no choice but to let me in, for I had cleverly seduced every single one of them. The power of a male geisha is, indeed, enough to stop a man, woman, or Bohemian dead in his/her/its tracks. The Phillips Academy student population is great business for a male geisha such as myself, especially in the testosterone-filled freshmen boys’ dorm that is known as Rockwell. The idea behind this is that freshmen boys, for the most part, are too nervous to have parietals with girls in their room. With this in mind, then enters the male geisha. He is a man just like the others living in the dorm, but this man can mimic the behaviors of the complex female gender and simulate a situation where the other man doesn’t have to be nervous about saying something stupid or offensive. Yes, I do wear a traditional Japanese dress, called a kimono, and I wear makeup and lipstick and the like, but it’s only to carry on the legacy of the male geisha and to make my guests feel comfortable. I tell jokes and stories and laugh politely at whatever the man has to say, even if it is utterly stupid, but it is the male geisha’s duty and honor to do so. As for Fernando, only the in the years to come will he find out what it takes to be a male geisha. I have faith in him and pray that he will continue on the legacy that I have devoted my life to.