The Eighth Page

Emo Elite

Let me just start off by saying that in writing this column I am in no way, shape or form giving in to “the man”, or to be considered a conformist. No walls (or column lines for that matter) can hold in my thoughts and opinions. I would also like to remind you that the title of this column is “The Emo Elite” which means that in reviewing this esoteric album, I am inherently better than you. Just look at my black nail polish. Anyways, now it is time for the fun (and by fun I mean sadness, because there is no such thing as fun in life, just enjoyment we take in other peoples pain and suffering) to begin. The album I am reviewing this week is called “Dead Puppy” by SLaVE. I know you have probably never heard of it, and that is what makes this the best album ever. Because I am the only person in the world who knows of this album, I can indiscriminately call it the greatest ever. In contrast to their first album, SLaVE makes a bold advance by actually adding lyrics instead of incoherent whining. While they still lack basic sentence structure and cohesion, words like “suffocate” “pain” “darkness” and “daddy” can be heard throughout the album. Perhaps their most accomplished song on the album is their new single, “Feeling Unloved: Jealousy Pain and Crying.” You can feel the tempest of emotions as front man K. McStab pours his soul into this song describing his relationship with his abusive, alcoholic step-father. Following FUJPAC is a hidden track that, like Columbus with America, I was the very first to discover. It features Justin Timberlake and his booty-shaking antics in a happy-go lucky re-mix version of “Cry me a River.” This song asserts a nice contrast in the album by including a 20-minute beat-box solo for Mr. Timberlake. Contrary to popular belief, this solo is not ants sneezing, but indeed the J-man himself breaking down the funky fresh beats like he was born to do. ROCK ON! If there is one bad thing about this album, it is the fact that SLaVE has somewhat changed their roots. SLaVE is clearly a post-hardcore band, and with this album they sound very post GRINDcore. Some people think that SLaVE used to be Hardcore, Pre-Hardcore, Screamo or even plain emo. Those people are wrong. I am right. Always.